John Doe
Staffwriter
Lying, 1800
Bio
when readme gets a little too silly, we have john doe write articles for us so nothing comes back to haunt us in the future.
Fun Fact
John Doe is so mysterious that no one on readme can even confirm his pressence
Previous Work
Candidates for a 51st State
In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As such, there’s been much talk down in Washington about returning to our roots by colonizing and annexing another country. With our president eyeing such tantalizing targets as Greenland, Canada, and Gaza, our staff have combed through all 195 countries, give or take and picked out choice countries to storm by force!
Canada: The obvious choice, and a fan favorite for a reason! With beautiful wildlife and scenic views, Canada contains a multitude of natural resources like fossil fuels and lumber that would certainly benefit the United States economy, as well as finally connect Alaska to the mainland U.S. and give an isolated North America the greatest tactical advantage.
Japan: An unorthodox pick, but one with just as much potential as our number one pick. Due to having the 4th largest economy in the world by GDP, Japan offers a rock solid mixed economy with an outstanding auto industry and thriving financial market. Call that retribution for Pearl Harbor!
Germany: Another top tier pick, it loses out slightly compared to the competition by being backed by NATO and the European Union and thus harder to take by force. With the highest trade surplus in the world and a bustling industry, Germany’s machine and manufacturing reputation is hard to beat. Contributing the second most to NATO, acquisition of Germany would be a boon as a cog in the machine of the all powerful military-industrial complex.
Honorable mentions:
Greenland
Palestine
United Kingdom
The Netherlands
South Africa
Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective
Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate complex social demands and relationships can tip the balance between health or sickness, between reproductive success or failure, between life or death. It is thus no surprise that humans have evolved sophisticated systems for mediating social interactions. Foremost among these are communication signals, most evident in humans as songs, calls, color patterns and postural displays. These can transmit information about a signalers’ status, motivations, and possible future actions, for sensory and cognitive processing by signal receivers. In general, signals provide benefits for both senders and receivers. Communication is, in essence, a glue that maintains the cohesion of human societies, and a currency that mediates sophisticated relationships within. Collected below are some common mating calls that have been observed.
“I make 6 figures a year.”
“I’m 6 feet tall, I swear.”
“I’m a private equity investor.”
“Let’s compare hand sizes.”
“I’m not like other girls/guys.”
“I’m so small and delicate/big and rugged.”
“I’m really into the alt/goth scene.”
“Have you heard of this thing called the blockchain?”
“I do crossfit.”
“I play Valorant/League of Legends, I’m actually going semi-pro.”
“I have an AI startup in Silicon Valley.”
“Have you heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?”
“Are you lost little boy/girl?”
“I have a 500 day streak of learning Japanese on Duolingo.”
“You’re just like a brother/sister to me.”
“What’s your snap?”
[Unsolicited photograph of male genitalia]
“I play the guitar.”
“I’m really into military history.”
“Our zodiac signs are compatible.”
“Want to see my car?”
Commonly Asked Dinner Q's
Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new beau, and how to best respond to them to inspire confidence in your parents.
“So how did you two meet?”
This is a common question that gets used to open up the conversation. It is important to make a good first impression, tell them about how you two met and hit it off immediately, a thoughtful answer can go a long way to reassure your parents.
“How do you resolve conflicts in a relationship?”
This question is used to gauge how well your new partner would handle potential conflicts in a relationship. This is when you may want to verbally coach your new copy of ReadMe to avoid talking about things like anger management issues and chronic alcoholism, and instead, talk about idealistic scenarios and communication strategies.
“What are your intentions with my child?”
A slightly deeper one, this question requires a more thoughtful response to ensure a positive impression. This is a good chance to veer the question slightly in a tactful manner. They may give a wholesome anecdote illuminating some revelation or positive experience that you’ve shared that will tell your parents why you are so committed to each other and what direction they intend to take you.
“What are your long term goals?”
This is a question entirely dependent on your partner, but you may be able to help them by gently reminding them of dreams they’ve divulged to you in the past. Nonetheless, it should be simple to answer, because even generic answers are acceptable. It’s often hard to define what success can mean to each person, so if you want to be extra impressive, coordinate beforehand to share similar goals in life.
“What is your current relationship to your family like?”
Even though you may be aware of the complicated relationship between every copy of ReadMe and their parents, you must both be careful. If you wish to open the dialogue to the divorce between the Editor in Chief of ReadMe, the staff writers, and The Tartan, twist it in a way that shows reflection and a desire to end the cycle of violence. Otherwise it may be safer to feign a relationship that isn't there.
“Why can’t you bring home a scientific journal like your older sister? Now that there is a paper of fine academic background, I still remember the feeling of archival grade paper and ink as she passed it around. If you have to date a newspaper, which is your decision to make, can’t you at least bring home one of slightly greater repute? It’s always the free, easy editions with you, couldn't you spend just a little more and get a copy of the New York Times or Wall Street Journal? If it has to be a magazine format I know The Economist is very popular with the new generations. Why can’t you be normal?”
Despite what it may seem, this is a good sign. Your parents have taken an offensive stance because they care about both of you and have taken a more intimate position. This is the best opportunity to use the strategic offensive principle of war that states the best offence is a good defense. You’re used to being compared to your older sister, so the attack has little emotional weight. Sidestep their argument by bringing up things like their negligence to you, or how the relationship between your parents has driven the family apart. Being angry is a display of care deep down, so reciprocate the affection your parents are showing by being equally combative. If you are able to end the night on this note, you will have ultimately succeeded in getting your parents to welcome your new copy of ReadMe by treating them as an extension of the family.
Feng Shui to make you forget them
Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there at the right time and place. You can still revel in the aftermath, you poor single soul, because not all hope is lost. At least not for your mental health, because in today’s guide, README will teach you how to use classical Chinese interior design techniques to reclaim the space the two of you used to share.
The first step is to take the time to understand Feng Shui, a luxury they never extended to you. Feng Shui is an analysis of the placement of objects relative to each other so as to understand the effects of the Qi, or “energy” that spiritually inhabits all objects. The concept of Qi goes back to the earliest examples of Taoist texts about how to cultivate Qi for better health and longevity. It is often claimed that Feng Shui, when done well, can enhance one's connection to the world and reduce stress and anxiety. These tips will help consolidate all the positive Qi back into your life, or at least give you something to do that isn't getting drunk and begging to be taken back:
Tip 1 - Never Hang Mirrors Across from the Front Door
The reason is simple: Any good energy that comes across your threshold will immediately get reflected back outside. Of course this may depend on what energy lies outside, for example, using mirrors in hallways that greet a serene landscape may pull that peaceful energy into the home. But you live in America, which means you are invariably facing a major road, so block out that chaotic noisy energy by removing any mirrors from the thresholds outside.
Tip 2 - Never Put a Bedroom Over a Garage
Garages have heavy, chaotic energies. And that is the last thing you want to feel when it comes to rest. In Feng Shui, a garage is beneficial because it represents bringing resources into the home, but it is not ideal to have a bedroom over a garage. It is a big, open, empty space with not a lot of life energy in it, which can leach into your bedroom, making your bed feel big, open and empty.
Tip 3 - Treat Your Stove Like Your Most Prized Possession
Stoves are important in Feng Shui—they bring good fortune and attract abundance. The stove represents household wealth. Even if you never cook, try to use it periodically and all its burners. Keep yours clean and use food to fill that hole in your stomach.
Tip 4 - Ban Electronics in the Bedroom
They’re not gonna text you back. It’s not happening.
Tip 5 - Never Place Beds in Direct Alignment with Doors
It is best not to be directly in line with the door to your bedroom. Having your bed in a good position is one of the Feng Shui fundamentals. Place your bed so you can see the door while lying down without being directly in line with it; this is the optimal placement. This brings ease and restfulness because it allows you to see what is coming at you, both literally and figuratively, and gives foresight to predict another “we need to talk” text.
Tip 6 - Declutter
Clutter is super destructive to a home and its occupants, especially when it overwhelms you from the moment you walk in the door. From a Feng Shui perspective, clutter is a “block” or an “impasse”, and the Qi cannot flow properly. Removing clutter can be a way to get the energy moving, especially if you feel stuck, and removing their things from your home helps stop reminding you of them whenever you see their items.
Tip 7 - Keep the Kitchen Table Clean
This hub represents family and love; you want people to crowd around it and feel welcome. Keep it clean and available for gathering. This advice also extends past the kitchen table. Try balancing the energies of the kitchen with a vibrant green plant or by adding a bowl of oranges, which represent abundance
Tip 8 - Close Bathroom Doors When They’re Not in Use
Typically bathrooms radiate negative energy, which you do not want to circulate around the house. In addition, a lot of superstitions revolve around the flow of water, which can center the bathroom in the spiritual mind. Be sure to value water as the resource it is by fixing leaks and drips, and isolating your bathroom from the spirituality of the home by closing the door.
Tip 9 - Fill Forlorn Spots with Plants
Whether it’s a corner or a dark hall, seek out spots that feel stagnant and add the energy of happy green. They embody the energy of wood and can lift stagnant, stale Qi in a home. Now, plants do need sunlight, so be mindful of the type of plant you choose and where to place it. Afterall, how can you expect anything to thrive in an environment without warmth and care? The plant will try its best and be heartbroken when it just still isn't enough.
CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction
Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of undergraduate and graduate studies for the department cite the practicum portion of this year’s finals as being primarily responsible for the inconveniences, citing that “The inconveniences are deeply regrettable especially that they have come at a time of heightened scrutiny due to a cost and time overrun in the renovation of Wean Hall proposed during last year's senior capstone. We apologize for the effect the current delays are having on the current student body and we are doing everything we can to expedite the projects, including efforts to integrate AI into the project management systems and outsourcing additional labor from illegal immigrants being bused in from El Paso.”
Students affected by the delays report the biggest issues at hand remain the recurring delays of the 61 and 71 bus routes that have been affected by lane closures, fearing delays of up to 10 minutes, 24 seconds and 35 milliseconds and causing large queues and congestion at bus stops. It is a well known struggle that many students are unable to walk between campus and off campus housings due to high concentrations of plants belonging to the family Poaceae, Cyperaceae, and Juncaceae, often colloquially referred to as “grass”. Additionally, many students left stranded at these overcrowded bus stations share concerns that they may be vulnerable to women by traveling in smaller groups, though it has been over 50 years since the last reported incident of a woman being spotted near campus. Hamerschlag House continues to undergo renovations to install the planned seating area and overhang. Students, when asked about their thoughts, responded overwhelmingly with “Isn’t that the ECE building?” The shortage of housing for students continues to plague the upperclassmen with increasing rent and competition for on campus housing, leading many students to rent out unused beds when pulling all-nighters, or even challenge people to gladiatorial combat for the room in common room spaces.
While the CEE finals are expected to continue for another two weeks, undergraduate students that have already completed their finals are being redirected to aid the graduate student projects in an attempt to shift the completion dates forward for fall 2024 and proactively begin plans for the spring 2025 finals. The CEE has stated its commitment to enable Carnegie Mellon University to return its normalcy and shed its nickname Constant Maintenance Underway.
Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died
The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the Pentagon expected the US public to still remember the massacre that took place 56 years ago. Although finding a replacement for this role was of utmost importance, one can not help but wonder if it was worth it to dedicate so much time and a part of the US military’s shoestring $916 billion budget to the running of the elections, or perhaps the US public just needs to suck it up and forget that several hundred civilians, almost all women, children, and the elderly, were killed. I mean, it happened over half a century ago, big fucking deal. Regardless, the Pentagon decided to appease these overly sensitive and unpatriotic Americans.
The Pentagon has had a long history of using scapegoats to have its leaders not take responsibility for war crimes committed overseas. Since the last one was so effective, it’s natural that the Pentagon is pursuing this same strategy: although many members of the military, including senior officers, were found to be connected to the massacre in the original investigations, only one was convicted, and no one seemed to bat an eye.
There were many strong candidates, and it certainly wasn’t easy for members of the Pentagon to vote for who they felt was the best choice. One long-time frontrunner is a 5-year-old orphan from Kentucky. “Kentucky already has the highest rate of maltreated children, so we thought mistreating another, by imprisoning them, would go over well with the public”, said Hen-Rhea Kissingher, Director of War Crime Cover Ups at the US Department of Defense, who requested to be anonymous, “but we decided that the public wouldn’t readily accept the idea that a 5-year-old is responsible for the massacre of at least 347 civilians that took place 56 years ago. Maybe if the death toll were lower—around 200 at most—we’d be able to convince people.” Ultimately, the candidate who will soon be sworn in later this year is Jesús Krist. Jesús is the son of immigrant parents, born to a Slovenian father and Mexican mother, and owns a woodworking shop dedicated to teaching Jewish youths at his mosque in El Paso, Texas. “This scapegoat-elect is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: Jesús is Jewish, he’s a carpenter, and with a name like that? He’s the perfect person to die for our sins.”
One of Kissingher’s assistants later followed up with us in private to assure us that Jesús would only proverbially die for our sins and assured us they would make sure he would only have to serve at most 20 years imprisonment. It should be noted that, just as what happened with the previous scapegoat, Jesús’s sentence is likely to be reduced to 3 years of house arrest.
