Bertie Wooster
Staffwriter
Trying to split the atom, 2029
Bio
Hailing from a place of good, if not always sound, breeding (one mustn't blame the fellow for their forebears), Bertie Wooster has traded the hallowed, if dreadfully dull, halls of the Drones Club for the marginally less dated dorms of Carnegie Mellon.
Fun fact
Named after a winning racehorse
Location
Chasing rainbows
Latest
CMU to host the Olympic Games
JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) – CMU was officially selected to host the upcoming Olympic Games. According to recent investigative reporting, the International Olympic Committee had approached Carnegie Mellon as the spearhead of a new program to engage major world universities in athletics.
As put by myriad CMU students we met on the Cut …
Modern technology comes for us all
Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of his plush green directors’ chair, armed with a Staples laser pointer rather than a quiverful of arrows—though both are guaranteed to set people of all genders quivering. Today, he does his work behind voice calls and LED screens. Where did it go wrong?
Enter Ben and Susie; now a …
Stop asking where I'm from
So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"
I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. A tidbit of basic info.
Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. Now I have to stammer out a self-deprecating joke about 'being not like the other Bay Area students'.
Just because I'm a math major, just because I have a secret desire to transfer to SCS and make an …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on the quality of our dining when we overheard two freshmen discussing a very interesting idea. Apparently, there’s this thing called the Banach–Tarski paradox—something about cutting a sphere into parts and recombining them and ending up with two of them of the same size, without adding anything. Turns out, that works …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, Entropy+ was bound to get increasingly more disordered until it could no longer maintain itself, scattering into the wind.
However, the Laws of Thermodynamics do offer a counterpoint: energy may be used to restore a system. Denizens of Entropy+ may have noticed that, in …