Allyn (pronounced Allen)
he/him
Staffwriter
Masculine studies, 2028
Bio
Pronounced like "v[allyn]tine's day" or "the doctor prescribed him ins[allyn]" or "imb[allyn]ce in the force."
Fun fact
It's pronounced a bit like "Allyn."
Location
At the bank
Latest
What are they carrying to the sky?
Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its place. Nobody knows what happens to the statue at the highest position. Presumably, it has walked to the sky.
Several months ago, such a shift occurred. But a student sitting on the Cut in a lawn chair with a superzoom camera lens noticed something odd: the newest sculpture was …
Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)
One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices against one another to prove once and for all that drunk driving is better.
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1. Drunk driving forces you to live in the moment.
In order to properly drive drunk, you'll be utterly black-out wasted. If you remember any step in the process of getting home, …
They will greet us as sexual liberators
The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting spirit.
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Dick Cheney: Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside CMU, from the standpoint of the students, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as sexual liberators. And the chancellor's made it very clear that our purpose there is, if we are forced …
A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl
If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, and yet more insist on nuanced and overlapping definitions. This article aims to set the record straight.
Let's start with the structure of 213. There are two weekly lectures and a weekly recitation. Lecture attendance is ungraded. A weekly quiz-style homework makes up a small percentage of the grade …
Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts
This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.
An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits
As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across the desk from a young writer, I consider the words of the chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen: "I am trying to beat the guy sitting across from me and trying to choose the moves that are most unpleasant for him and his style."
If you're a TA, this likely sounds …
