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What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as frick!

Next time you witness a harried student clad in the ugliest red polo shirt you’ve seen in your life shepherding an ill-behaved mass of overbearing Indian parents through Hamerschlag Hall, here are a few things you can do and say to make their shift just a little bit easier.

  1. One epic trick that not enough people do is literally just screaming at the top of your lungs at a tour group passing by. It’s really simple and easy, since you really just have to make eye contact with someone’s younger sibling on a tour and scream without blinking or moving for a minute or two. Bonus point – the tour guide gets a little break during their speech to recover!

  2. Here’s a classic that I’m sure all of us have tried once or twice – simply begin undressing in front of a tour, douse yourself in tar, and then roll around in a pile of feathers. Even better if you begin shouting vulgarities in a British accent. It’s a fun callback to American history and will give the tour guide a great segue into how wonderfully interdisciplinary CMU is.

  3. This one requires a little athleticism, so do not attempt it if you did not watch the Olympics this year. Walk up the stairs near the UC black chairs, hop over the railing, and suspend yourself headfirst by the feet over the edge of the wall. You can then begin convulsing violently and speaking in tongues. If you wish to fully commit to the bit, you can have a friend on the lower floor begging you to stop and come down, saying that this isn’t really you.

  4. Moat. Build a moat.

I do sincerely hope that you employ a few of these tips and tricks when you pass by the Welcome Center in Tepper – just make sure no parents are near enough to ask you for your high school GPA.