What is Sex? An Investigative Account
In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, little is known regarding “sex” or its properties. The state of affairs being so, I have put forth my best efforts in order to discover more about the elusive “sex” and make public this information for the betterment of mankind.
To understand the first step of my research, some background knowledge is necessary. Google /ˈɡo͞oɡ(ə)l/ is a search engine. It can be intuitively understood as an engine that performs searches. Though at this stage, I lacked information to make a detailed and specific query, I was still able to use an advanced search technique to make an effective one; I Googled “sex definition," appending “definition” to “sex” in order to find the definition of sex. The information revealed was enlightening; “sex” can be defined as “sexual intercourse," which can be broken down morphologically: “inter," meaning multiple people are involved, and “course," meaning educational content is covered.
However, here, I ran into a dead end. I could not uncover any more from google; the “safety search” feature thwarted my attempts to glean further information. Safe for whom, exactly? I believe the “megalopolis corporations” do not want some of this information to be found.
Regardless, I pressed on. The resource “arXiv” : “arXiv.org” is a repository preserving some of humanity’s oldest and worst html for posterity, as well as some “enjoyable facts”. Searching “sexual intercourse” on arXiv yielded a treasure trove of such facts; however, I was ultimately unable to decode academic terms such as “herpes," “Romania," and “sodomy," and was forced to give up on this line of attack. Should you be capable of comprehending such high-level discourse, I encourage you to take up the task.
I then moved to my last resort in my endeavor: ethnographic study. I would insert myself in the midst of “sex fanatics” and blend in, with the aim of learning from them the true meaning of “sex”. The difficult part was locating the fanatics; to do this, I perused the house of the “one who dons”. It was there that I finally found my answer in an offhand comment made by one of the native “donnerians”; he complimented another donnerian’s “buttocks” and alluded to “clapping” them. It was then that I realized what should have been obvious all along; I had, frankly, been remiss in not understanding it from the start.
Sexual intercourse, also known as “sex," is a group activity requiring at least two participants. One participant, known as the “bottom," proffers their “bottom," known as the “sitzfleisch," to the others. It may then be treated as a “bongo drum," a “conga drum," or for those with “western proclivities," a “snare drum”. As the rhythm is beaten on the sitzfleisch by another participant, all others must sit in chairs in corners of the room and watch; this is the educational aspect, and the true form of sexual intercourse; it is by this device that sex reproduces. The exact meaning of the ritual is as yet unknown, but it is clear it is of particular religious importance, being a pastime of “Zeustopher” and “not Mary”.
The natural final question to ask, upon examination of the “political implications” of the “sexual pastime," was whether the potency of its impending threat to the “Democratic Unionization of the Estates of America” necessitated public scrutiny. I believe not: having been assured that “concurrent politicians” are “without exception” in possession of a “tough and sinewy rectum," they hold a rare and powerful resistance to the detrimental effects of the “sex," and are in no imminent danger. Thus, the matter can be considered at rest, for now.