Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking
Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving parents, no prospect, no future, and he has been listening to AI Batman to help him overcome his chronic procrastination.
“So… now what?” asked Bob.
Well, you might jump to the obvious answer – Bob should start Binge Drinking. He gotta keep drinking until his problems seem to go away, till he forgets where he is or even who he is.
“Genius idea!” said Bob. “But binge drinking is just so much work.”
Bob has raised a valid concern. Liquid intake, bathroom frequency, next-day cognitive impairment, and the social burden of convincing the liquor store cashier that he is not an alcoholic but simply hosting a very fun party are all legitimate physiological and psychological stressors.
“No comment,” said Doug, the liquor store cashier.
“It really sucks.” Bob concluded. “Also, who the hell is that?”
Yes, Bob, binge drinking can be really labor intensive. But remember, we live in the age of AI. Your classmates haven’t written their own code since 2024, why would you do the heavy lifting of binge drinking yourself?
“You are saying that I can be vibe drinking… just like vibe coding?” asked Bob.
Exactly!
“But it makes no sense, AI can’t consume liquid.”
Well, Bob, AI can’t consume liquid, but AI can perform every other function of binge drinking.
“WTF?!”
Let me introduce VibeDrunk – a brand new AI agent brought to you by the CMU Learning & Optimization Lab (LOL).
VibeDrunk has the ability to access your electronic devices and simulate the online behaviors of an intoxicated person, without requiring the user to ingest alcohol.
Normally, Bob requires six or seven drinks before texting his ex. With VibeDrunk, he requires ZERO. After activation, VibeDrunk will access Bob’s iMessage history and send emotional incoherent messages such as: “Hey :)”, “I was thinking”, and “Nvm”.
If the ex calls back, VibeDrunk will answer using Bob’s voice, reconstructed with proprietary slurring technology.
VibeDrunk also sends random short messages to Bob’s parents between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m., such as: “I love you”, “Thank you”, and “Don’t miss me”. For user safety, VibeDrunk will block Bob from answering incoming calls after messages are sent.
And these are only a fraction of VibeDrunk’s capabilities.
“Doesn’t this take a long time to set up?” Bob asked. “Like learning my voice, my contacts—”
No setup is required. We already have all of your information.
“Where did you get it? And why does this sound so much like malware?”
Bob is just so full of questions, isn’t he?
VibeDrunk is not malware. It is designed with user wellness in mind.
We are currently developing a premium feature that integrates with Tesla autopilot systems to simulate drunk driving behavior.
“WTF, that sounds extremely unsafe! Also, what happens when the cop pulls me over, can VibeDrunk do all the talking for me?”
Absolutely not, Bob.
“How much does this AI thing cost?”
VibeDrunk is 100% free.
“Who is funding this?”
CMU LOL lab is proudly sponsored by the CIA, who provided the lab with all the necessary resources beyond just funding.
At this point, Bob is no longer needed and will be muted.
“NOOOOOOO ”
Tired of drinking the old-fashioned way?
Try VibeDrunk today — because in the age of AI, even self-destruction should be automated.