It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.
In other news, following a hectic week of classes, many readme staff members have dropped dead from exhaustion, overwork, and other CMU-specific diseases. A new ChatGPT update, luckily, has allowed me to replace all of them with sentient AI clones who have the exact same sense of humor. This change, we hope, will not affect your appreciation of this newspaper in any way.
New sponsorships, including those from North Korea, has given readme the necessary cashflow to compete with the big titans of Carnegie Mellon literature, like the Tartan, the Oakland Review, and Farnam Jahanian's Emails. The literary masterpieces produced by those publications are hard to beat, but our team of unpaid interns is ready to put in the overtime.
Finally, I wanted to thank and congratulate anyone who made it through the first week of classes. This place is stressful, and if you're already struggling, don't worry, you're not alone. The Carnegie Mellon Dropouts Association holds meetings every Thursday and Friday, and will help guide you on your path to unemployment whenever you're ready.
Without further ado, and with the many crimes committed by this magazine solely in the rearview mirror...
