If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and Wellness & Meaning-Making Programs and the Ampersand Support Group. In a shocking wave of terrible news, however, numerous upperclassmen have been found dead near the former UHS entrance, piled up like the lanternflies near Walking to the Sky. “I had a really bad cold, so I wanted to come to UHS and get some cough drops,” said one deceased senior. “But when I discovered that UHS wasn’t at E-Tower anymore, I figured it wasn’t worth trying to find the new spot, so I just decided I wouldn’t even bother living anymore.” “Mine wasn’t even that bad,” said another, “I just needed an excuse to get out of here.” A number of other dead bodies echoed the sentiment, making it well known to all around that they were just done with this shit.
