In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a nightmare,” one student said, “I can’t even do group work in the library without that purple bastard coming up and saying ‘One! Ah-ah-ah. Two! Ah-ah-ah.’ and counting the whole damn group. I’ve become so irritable lately from his counting that I’ve lost friends. His lavender ass needs to return to hell.” Our new life vvith The Count around vvill certainly have some grovving pains, but they’ll come around to him.
Apart from vvorking for the CMU police, The Count helps liven up campus. He’s really qvite the charmer. Another student commented, “I just went through the messiest breakup of my life. I’ve been eating alone, listening to Weezer and crying into my Hunan meal and then that creep comes up behind me, taps my shoulder, pulls out my earbuds himself, and says ‘One! Ah-ah-ah. VVhat are you doing eating all alone, big guy?’ How could I even respond to that?” Another pupil left speechless by his avvesomeness. Our school truly can not get enough of our new friend.
The school’s official statement was: “The Count is committed to not only preventing protests but to promote our values as a school.” On an unrelated note, vve have some students who express doubt tovvards their new leader. Some probably not credible source said, “Have you ever noticed that he counts minority groups far more often? I’ve never once seen him count the Tartan’s writing team or CMU Republicans. I’m not trying to suggest that he’s racist, but he’s definitely racist.” I VVILL NOT TOLERATE THIS SLANDER, on The Count’s behalf of course.
