Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method
Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. Then, they would induce labor the morning of race day.
The method unfolds in two parts. As the driver takes the first downhill, they must fight to stay pregnant. Extra weight means extra momentum, and on the course, every kilogram meter per second matters. While some train their pelvic floors to hold in the fetus, others simply put a Kumon worksheet between their legs in hopes that their future child will stall for as long as it can.
Once the driver reaches the bottom of the next hill, the plan enters phase two. The pusher takes control, grabbing the push bar and opening the back hatch at the same time. Meanwhile, the driver starts doing some pushing of their own. After a few short kegels, their wailing baby flies out of the back hatch and into the pusher’s free hand. This sudden weight loss allows the buggy to get uphill with ease. Over the years, the live birth method has earned 26 victories for SDC alone.
This year’s drivers report feelings of betrayal and devastation. According to CIA driver Misa Shordi, “I literally only got knocked up for Sweepstakes. What am I gonna do with this kid now, raise it? Hell no.” If any buggy teams are looking for a child that will grow up to be five-one, Shordi agrees to sell you her daughter in exchange for a new chin pad.