CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with eyes full of curiosity and wonder, expecting to be inspired by CMU SCS’s great intellectual minds that will push the boundaries of computer science, dragging the world into an age of technological progress. But, as you approach your fellow computer scientists, hoping to discuss the absolute state-of-the-art discoveries within the field, a grisly fact makes itself apparent: CMU SCS has gone woke! Instead of talking about Rust or HolyC, they start purring and meowing at you. You have been surrounded by cat like femboys with their striped socks, short pleated skirts, and unbelievably slutty waists, beckoning you over like incubi. There is no space here for intellectual computer science discussions, and you may very well become one of them femboys if you linger any longer.
The above account isn’t a pure hypothetical: there are many such cases. As CMU continues to push for DEI in SCS, the level of wokeness in SCS has gotten out of hand. You may be fooled into thinking that DEI is harmless, but its push in SCS is much more insidious than you could ever imagine. As the woke agenda grows stronger, the very values that are foundational to the field of computer science are abandoned.
First, a history lesson. Computer science is a modern application of mathematics, and when examining its history, it becomes clear that these fields have their roots in the Christian tradition. Notably, in Kings 7:13, which reads “And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.”, we see a calculation of the circumference of a circle. This passage implies an approximation of π = 3, which, although imprecise, is remarkably perceptive for the time, and the fact that this approximation continues to be used by engineers today is a testament to its value. This is proof that the Christian God himself revealed mathematics to man. Even more extraordinarily, this passage clearly references quantum computing, a field of research at the bleeding edge of computer science. One might be easily fooled into believing that the “cubits” being mentioned are only referencing the ancient unit of measurement based on the approximate length of the forearm, when in truth, the original Hebrew word may be alternatively translated to “qubit”, the fundamental unit of information in quantum computing. Therefore, we must be careful not to erase Computer Science’s single most important foundational principle: its connection to God.
Yet, it seems that SCS and the wider field of computer science had already abandoned its Christian roots. In fact, computer science has become so unbelievably woke that Alan Turing, hailed as the father of modern computer science, has abandoned these foundational Christian values by committing the two sins of being gay and committing suicide, after he was (deservedly, I might add) chemically castrated for his abominable sexuality.
So, what is it that God wants man to accomplish? How can we honor the Christian origins of computer science? God, the all-powerful creator of our universe, and hence the only source of objectivity, commands us to “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it” as written in Genesis 1:28. It is therefore an objective and inarguable truth that the purpose of life is procreation and to subdue Earth. Yet, CMU SCS’s woke agenda denies this truth. Whilst, indeed, the direction that SCS is headed in isn’t necessarily incongruent with subduing Earth, as evidenced by my short fling with Earth, a so-called “nonbinary” submissive femboy I had met thanks to CMU Missed Connections, the other part of his command is simply impossible to fulfill. No matter how hard you try, and trust me, I've tried, you can NOT impregnate femboys; even if they’re deliciously sexy with their striped thigh highs, short frilly skirts, and eyelinered bedroom eyes, they simply will not get pregnant. Despite this, SCS keeps on insisting that I be attracted to these femboy programmers, even though I'm not even in SCS! This utter woke nonsense from SCS will assuredly lead to the fall of computer science and the West at large.
It is high time SCS returns to its Christian roots to ensure the steady evolution of the field of computer science. This viral wokeness, if left unchecked, could spell the downfall for CMU… nay, for all of Western civilization.