Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email are asked to urgently check their spam folder. The decimation of SCS, as a direct order from our Dark Lord Biden, is likely to commence before the next United States president-elect gets sworn into office on January 25. All SCS students are thus currently forbidden from leaving the country.
The upcoming Roman-legion-style decimation of an entire CMU college is a drastic measure following a ban on C, the programming language, and all of its variants, beginning this summer. Given this fact, the future massacre should not come as a surprise to most SCS students as many computer science courses at CMU still stubbornly refuse to adapt their syllabus to use a different programming language. Such flagrant defiance against law and order would not go unpunished by the government of this great nation, and killing one-tenth of all CS students at CMU was deemed an appropriate measure by President Biden, further stating in a recent press release that “[CS students] should be thankful that I am only executing ten-percent of them, I could just as easily personally kill all of them if I wanted to”.
It should be noted that given the proximity of their major to CS, some ECE students might be included in the pool of execution candidates; ECE software majors, your days may be numbered—and not in the countably infinite sense.
Various students from different majors at CMU have expressed solidarity with the CS students, sympathizing with them for their predicament. Several creative writing major students have reached out to us for comment, saying that “it would be very difficult to write without the letter C.” Similarly, an underwater basketweaving major (yes this is a real major at CMU look it up) student commented expressed concerns towards the ban and punishment, “banning the sea? What do you mean? I need the sea, it’s my entire livelihood!”
There have been some immediate consequences from this ordeal. The CS department began drafting plans to replace C with Rust to prevent further unnecessary deaths. Opponents of this proposal argue that Rust is an unsuitable substitute because it “ruins metals” and “advances the trans agenda.”
One unforeseen consequence of this ordeal has been an uptick in petty crimes committed on CMU campus: the rate of littering has skyrocketed in a desperate bid by international students trying to be deported back to the safety of their home countries, narrowly avoiding the ten-percent chance of death.
In the meantime of waiting for their eventual deaths, students enrolled in SCS may be pleased to know that they are temporarily safe from death as although our Lord Joe Biden’s orders are absolute, there have been complications in enacting the punishment. The decision to kill 10% of SCS students may be straightforward, but the execution itself would require the representation of 0.1 in binary. Thus, the decimation will be indefinitely postponed until a computer capable of storing a string of binary digits with infinite length is developed.
