How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat
So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized urban Western-Pennsylvanian universities, of which CMU is the most illustrious. While it may seem complicated to acquire one, Readme has you covered. We can’t guarantee that the cat will survive the ordeal you will put it through, but you’ll have the cat in your possession, that’s for sure. The first thing you need to do is find a cat. Generally, these can be found in shelters, from breeders, in the Schlounge, and on the streets. These options vary in price range, type of cat, safety, vibes, and fluffiness, but it really doesn’t matter. Next, you’ll need to put the cat in a box. As I understand it, cats enjoy cardboard boxes- they delight in ignoring a new toy only to shower their affection upon a piece of pressed and dried wood pulp. Make sure it’s a decently sized box, because if by chance the cat is alive, it might want to roam around a bit. Once the cat is in the box, add one flask of radioactive poison, attached to a Geiger counter such that if radioactive decay is detected, the flask is broken, poisoning and killing the cat. This poison is extremely easy to acquire, just ask Jeff behind the counter. Add some cozy touches to the cat’s new home by putting a litter box, a mouse toy, a scratching post, and some snacks into the box. Once the cat is situated in its new home, close the box and don’t peek inside. Looking would spoil the fun. Now sit there and think about the cat. Is it dead? Is it alive? You don’t know. Bring your friends over to think about it too. Now that you’ve thought about the cat for a while, it’s time to feed it. The cat is simultaneously alive and dead at the same time, according to the Copenhagen interpretation, so by a simple calculation (an alive cat requires x cups of food, a dead cat requires 0 cups of food, take the average of the two), you should add x/2 cups of food to the box. Make sure to close your eyes while doing this, as observing the cat would resolve reality and therefore not be cool to your science friends. By the same logic, you should put a dish of water in the box. There are a few tasks to perform in the case of a dead cat. Because the cat is simultaneously dead and alive, you’ll need to prepare for its funeral as you feed it, provide water, and entertain it. Order a nice headstone, dig it a decent grave (a recent study notes that 2’x1.5’x6’ is the optimal grave size for the average cat). Make sure to allow a good-sized opening at the top of the grave, because it needs to be able to leave, since it’s also alive. Tell your roommates that the kitty “went to go live on a farm”, because it would be insensitive to tell them the cat is dead. Apologize to your roommates for the hairball noises in the middle of the night, alive cats do that sometimes. Schrödinger’s Cat can provide a fun experience, companionship, emotional catharsis, and a box full of kitty litter for everyone.