“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their faith in their job security crumbles. Sure, much of the movie scripts and visual art produced by AI is inferior as they lack the elevated human touch of real art created by real artists, but it’s not like the corporations who would hire you give a shit. There is, however, one last barrier that AI hasn’t yet satisfactorily breached, the final frontier of AI art: poignant queer literature. This might’ve put some Dietrich students at ease, but bio-computing at CMU has recently announced its plan to be the spearhead that pierces through this barrier.
“At first, the problem seemed impossible to solve”, says Dr. Harry Q.E.D Bovik, an AI researcher at CMU who asked to remain anonymous, “despite the rapid advancement of AI, queer literature was something we just couldn’t get our models to learn from and write in a way that truly resonates with the queer community.” Just as Dr. Harry Quagmiry Bovik's dream seemed hopeless, his indomitable human spirit pushed through, refusing to simply accept the status quo of Dietrich graduates merely struggling to find work, to ensure that Dietrich students will never be employed, Dr. Harry Quantum Bovik’s came up with an ingeniously simple idea and is now collaborating with bio-computing at CMU researchers to build upon it: all queer authors write about the experiences of being, metaphorically, a rat. Queer people are rats, this is an established truth, just ask any of your queer friends. Knowing this, bio-computing at CMU is in the process of growing rat neurons to train them to distinguish literature written by the good queers from the bad ones, and eventually produce completely original high-quality queer literature.
“As an ardent reader of queer works, both analytical and philosophical, as well as hot gay vampire smut, I am excited to receive the works from this project. The current problem with queer literature is unfortunately they’re being written by actual queers, and the companies sponsoring my research hate that”, says Dr. Harry Quarter-dollar Bovik. While interviewing Dr. Bovik, we also received comments from his colleagues at bio-computing. Most of these comments were just frenzied insults hurled at Dietrich students and alumni; this went on for another two hours and forty-seven minutes before we received any useful input, “More frequent literature is a nice cherry on top, but of course our main goal has always been to make sure Dietrich graduates never earn more than starvation wages”.
The first drafts of the first works to come from this project are estimated to come out two months from now. The public can expect to read these works before the end of 2025.
