I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. (Don’t worry, we mostly don’t mean “throw” literally.) Stay tuned to see how CMU PD compares in our next issue.
First, Readme’s investigative journalists needed a crime for Pitt Police to solve. This need was not left needed for very long at all, when Readme’s very own Chimothy Yachtsson was found using a butter knife to carve a pumpkin. It is a very serious crime to use an unsatisfactory knife for the meticulous craft of pumpkin carving, and in most jurisdictions jail penalties double around the Halloween season of February to October. This was among the top few worst crimes committed by Readme staff during that thirty minutes, only narrowly beaten out by theft of an SDC buggy and coldblooded murder.
Instead of dialing CMU PD’s number as per my usual daily routine, I instead called Pitt Police on Chimothy, who is not my evil twin.
“Help! Come quick! There’s a man misusing a knife in Posner!” I called frantically. Pitt Police told me they’d rush over quickly. But here’s where they made their first mistake. Instead of arriving at Posner where the knife-yielding maniac actually was, they instead came to Pitt’s Posvar building. Readme sincerely apologizes to Pitt Police for making two of their officers deal with Posvar’s ugliness. This was not okay on our part and we promise to do better when misusing police resources in the future.
Eventually, the situation was cleared up and Pitt Police proceeded to rush over to CMU’s Posner Hall. They’d already committed to the case, so there was no way they’d call in CMU PD now — even if this was in CMU’s jurisdiction and there’s probably something illegal about Pitt Police operating on CMU’s campus without permission. Anyhoo, an added incentive for Pitt Police to take up the case was that I told them I have feet pics of half of their staff. I would’ve published them here but the editors are too vanilla to allow that.
By the time Pitt Police arrived at Posner, the pumpkin party was over and the crime scene had been abandoned. Chimothy was nowhere to be seen, but there did happen to be a student cutting their Exchange sandwich with a plastic knife. It is here where I regretfully inform the reader that Pitt Police does not know the difference between a plastic knife and a butter knife, or between a pumpkin and an Exchange sandwich. Pitt Police arrested the wrong student, and this student is now facing a lifetime jail sentence despite not having used a butter knife to carve a pumpkin. This student had just burned down three CMU buildings, but that’s besides the point.
At this point I was beginning to be somewhat frustrated that Pitt Police was getting sidetracked, and so I reminded them of their task by broadcasting their feet pics on the Exchange monitors that usually have their menu. Pitt Police, to their credit, immediately went back on the chase, and in the right direction. Granted, it wouldn’t have taken a genius, as there were pumpkin juice drippings leading out of Posner and to the Fence. For an added challenge, Readme staff continually lobbed water balloons at Pitt Police as they continued their search. Yet they only got around halfway to the Fence when they noticed through a vent in the CFA parking lot that some people were spelunking around in the steam tunnels below, and so Pitt Police lifted up the vent cover and climbed down into the tunnel, scaring away three poor maintenance workers.
At this point, I was getting sick and tired of how poorly Pitt Police were handling things and how susceptible they were to distraction, so I gave up on them and took matters into my own hands. Chimothy Yachtsson is currently in a cage in my room and will remain there until he apologizes for gross misuse of a butter knife, and even grosser misuse of a pumpkin.