On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toast and gold plated toilets. The staff attempted to negotiate with their boss numerous times, and to each Mr. Joshi replied: “there is nothing to negotiate.” After at least 47 attempts to negotiate, the Amalgamated Satire Syndicate (ASS) called a general strike for all student-run publications on campus. The Tartan refused to hold the picket line, and were therefore deemed bourgeois boot-licking class traitors.
ASS completely closed off all access to DH 1117, and did not allow anyone to cross, including Mr. Joshi. Joshi made many obscure threats at the workers, including forcing everyone to enroll in 21-127 Concepts of Mathematics. ASS did not budge, and responded to the threat accordingly — arming themselves with Nerf guns. This alone left Mr. Joshi spiraling, and he decided that the only path forward was to fire all the staff and replace them with Pitt students. However, the recent militant development of ASS necessitated violence. Hence, Mr. Joshi contacted the Pinkerton Detective Agency via telegram, and they responded “The year is not 1892 anymore”. Mr. Joshi convinced them to use rejected CMU applicants from New Jersey instead of their own men, and promised to pay them more than 5 dollars. The Pinkertons agreed.
On September 12th, the Pinkertons landed their barge on the north shore of the Monongahela river, and marched northward to CMU via Schenley Park. These rejected applicants are just happy they are being given a chance to prove their worth to the CMU community.
Upon entering the UC 3rd floor, the untrained Pinkertons were petrified at what they saw — they were never told they would have to shoot people. Regardless, the Pinkertons were here to do one thing, and thus, one SCS reject, wearing hot pink, fired the first shot at the striking ASS workers. The bullet missed, and ASS managed to shoot every single mercenary who dared show up. The battle was over, and ASS had won.
Upon hearing the news, Mr. Joshi was terrified, and took his case to CMU president Farmam Jahanian. ASS effortlessly managed to wipe out the Pinkertons, what do you think they can do with all the military-industrial complex money the school receives? Mr. Joshi succeeded in convincing Dr. Jahanian to send in the Pennsylvania National Guard. On a lovely September 15th, the ASS workers were sitting in lawn chairs in front of the Wean La Prima until a loud shatter of glass was heard.
From a helicopter, in swung a member of the Pennsylvania national guard, who aimed his rifle at the ASS workers. The same happened from the other direction, essentially cornering the workers. NERF guns are unfortunately no match for real weaponry actively used to violate the Geneva Conventions in the Eastern Mediterranean, and thus ASS surrendered, bringing their 12-day strike to an end.
What happened afterwards was shocking.
The staff were all brought in handcuffs to the Mall, where instead of everyone being summarily shot, as we do with our writers after every issue anyways, the Pennsylvania National Guard pulled out a guillotine, like the thing French people trim their toenails with. Mr. Joshi watched with glee, knowing the ordeal was over, and to conclude this unfortunate series of events, all the ASS members were administered HRT (Head Removal Therapy).
