Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud
Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.
“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date of the second coming of Christ with me. As I was explaining the events of 1917 and the imminent Armageddon, I heard a sudden crash and what sounded like piano keys being smashed – a clamorous cacophony that mimicked the discordant screams of the damned. I turned around to see a piano lying smashed on the ground in a pool of blood, as if it had been cast down upon the earth by the hand of God.
“This divine message of carnage occurred right at the foot of that blasphemous statue. Coincidence? I think not. The ‘Walking to the Sky’ statue elevates human achievement over divine revelation. The figures walking upwards as if ascending to heaven will surely not be one of the 144,000 Anointed when the day of judgment comes – nor will any CMU student. It is only fitting that God send a sign of his displeasure right next to this representation of human hubris.
“I can only hope that the individual who was crushed by God’s piano may die in peace, treated by doctors who understand the sanctity of blood. Receiving a blood transfusion would be akin to drinking blood – a sacrilegious act that is clearly prohibited in the Bible! Though this poor nonbeliever may perish for the sake of God’s wrath, we can at least pray that their immortal soul will not be further tarnished. ”
When asked about the mysterious contraption other witnesses had seen on top of the Walking to the Sky sculpture, Susan insisted that no man-made device could possibly have triggered this divine message.