Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.
WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been up for about two weeks before anyone took action. It was only removed because many Pittsburgh citizens grew worried about the reason for such a strange creation. Also, the emails and phone calls were starting to pile up. Currently, CMUPD is trying to unravel the culprits and any students in the loop behind such a heinous crime. If you have any ideas on the case, please contact readme@cmukgb.org.
GREEK HOUSE HORROR Attention all CMU personnel! Authorities are on the search for the person(s) who stole all of the letters off of the Greek Houses. The English-looking letters were found in Schenley Park in what appeared to be an oversized game of Scrabble which was outlined in crudely done chalk. However, none of the exclusively Greek letters were found anywhere in Schenley. Authorities are under the belief that these letters are being held hostage in someone’s house or dorm. In an interview with a local fraternity brother, he suggested that it was “a tragedy” and was “calling for the safe return of [their] beloved letters”. Please help save these Greek letters and bring them back home!
FENCE GONE, CMU DISTRAUGHT Last night, a group of students staked out the Fence. It was reported that they poured about 100 gallons of paint stripper and distilled vinegar on it to clean up the built up paint. The Fence was constructed of 95% built up paint and only 5% actual fence, which happened to be super brittle and old. Unsurprisingly, it immediately fell apart when stripped of all the paint. Now there is no Fence. Many are left in deep pain. A group of students have created an ambitious plan to glue the Fence back with paint, but we at readme are not sure how successful it will be considering parts of the Fence have disintegrated and turned to ash. CMU staff and the student government have no idea what to do about the new state of the Fence and have elected to allow this to happen until a real solution is found.
FRESHMAN DECORATIONS GO AWRY Carnegie Mellon is in shambles. Who allowed the freshman dormitories to be painted their respective colors? The windows are one thing, the whole building? Donner, of course, is not affected in the slightest since the building was already the color of the Caribbean Sea. Many of the freshman RAs claim sabotage from the blue dorm. However, Donner claims this was all an attempt to smear their name. Who knows? Barely any of the upperclassmen care, and the staff believe this is some sort of dormitory spirit thing. The maintenance care though, as they have to clean it up now. Rumors flying around indicate that they plan to increase the cost of maintenance requests by a factor of 200 because of this.
Stay safe, Tartans!
