An Open Letter to CaPS
It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting time of year comes an increased number of calls to CaPS, the university’s counseling and psychological services. Now, I know that finals can be an annoying time for CaPS with all these kids calling, whining about their “mental struggles.” I understand, it gets tiring. Since when did CaPS become the friend that you always go to vent to?
That’s why I want to help out by providing some numbers you can give students who just won’t stop asking for advice and support.
605-475-6968: The Rejection Hotline
An oldie, but a goodie. When you just need a simple way to get rid of those annoying freshmen panicking about missing their mommies, consider the rejection hotline. This number will politely let those pesky students know that you’re not interested in their problems and that they need to find a new university service to bother.
646-926-6614: The Mary Sue Rejection Hotline
When the rejection hotline didn’t deter students from crying to you about getting academic probation or not being able to afford $60000 tuition, consider the slightly less polite Mary Sue rejection hotline. This number will be firm in letting students know that their incessant calling crosses your boundaries. It encourages them to consider how their whining makes you feel and to do better in the future. Maybe then they’ll keep their mental breakdowns to themselves.
248-434-5508: Rick-Roll
If there are students who just won’t give up, constantly trying to schedule times to talk about their problems, move beyond reason and send them to the Rick-Roll. This number will play the classic Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Perhaps this Rick Roll will be the final straw and get them to give it up, finally ridding you of their finals week complaining.
Your Ex’s Phone Number
If all else fails, bring out the big guns. Think of your most annoying ex and send those depressed kids their way. Maybe they’ll talk about your ex’s weird politics or their strange new partner that they cheated on you with. Just a warning, choosing this option may cause your ex and those pesky kids to bond over their distaste for you, forming a super pack of hating you. On the bright side, those depressed students may now tell your ex about their finals woes.
I hope that this small selection of phone numbers can give CaPS some tools to fend off the rabid students of Carnegie Mellon during these trying times.