A Novel Approach to Union Busting
Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. Recent events regarding a certain Pittsburgh newspaper owned by a certain set of twin brothers from Ohio have only served to emphasize this.
The U.S Supreme Court, in an affront to the enterprising American spirit, had ruled in favor of ungrateful striking journalists, forcing the owners to negotiate with terrorists (union leaders) and, among other things, provide them with better health insurance. Choosing death over dishonor, the owners of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette chose to put it out of its misery.
There are times when standing in the face of grievous injustice makes us want to turn our heads away in shame and despair. It is at those moments when it is most important to overcome those feelings and channel them into preventing something like this from happening again. As an American entrepreneur myself, I feel deep inside my heart that I can do just that. I have developed a business idea, modeled around a service that would have saved the Post-Gazette: beating journalists with steel pipes.
The beauty of my plan is in its simplicity. Negotiating back-and forth regarding union contracts and health insurance policies is time consuming, expensive, and boring. Beating journalists with a steel pipe is efficient, fun, and a good workout. The steel of the steel pipes is a homage to Pittsburgh’s industrial background, a reference that is obvious to both normal people and the literary types I will be thwacking. Home Depot has several for sale currently; although I favor the ¼ in. x 36 in. size, I am open to suggestions in the future. There is, undeniably, a classically American feel to this approach–speak softly and carry a big steel pipe.
In honor of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, I will be offering my first steel pipe beating free of charge to a newspaper company in need. The cost of subsequent beatings will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Give me a call! If your writers want health insurance so badly, give them a reason to need it. Hire me.
One of the most important things small business owners must learn is the importance of living in the moment. Things can get tough, but the human spirit is strong, and steel pipes are even stronger. Life is too short to spend it arguing with people, or caring about their opinions–live in the moment, and let me beat them instead.