Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
1. Check your phone.
This should go without saying.
2. Check your surroundings.
Make sure you’re alone. Use any means necessary. Tough luck to any others around, but it’s the name of the game. Trust me: If they’d woken up before you, they would have checked that they were alone, too.
3. Check your body.
Here are some handy things to watch out for:
Large objects in any orifice
Suspiciously crusty patches of skin
Unfamiliar tattoos
Others’ blood (it can get into surprising places—be careful!)
Really, any physical irregularities should be noted, except a hangover, which is all but guaranteed.
4. Find your way to the nearest bathroom and shower in the sink.
This should be self explanatory. The nearest bathroom is up the house-left ramp and to the right. The lock is unsheathed and can be bypassed with a trivial card-shim. If you don’t know where the nearest bathroom is, good luck. Flush any discrete objects down the toilet (especially phone or ID, whether or not they are yours. They are bugged, and God knows what kind of intelligence agencies might be interested in what happened here). Make sure to scrub under your armpits.
5. Exit into Hillman, land a clean overhand or uppercut below the cheek or jaw of the first frail looking undergrad you see, and take their clothes. Remember: most Computer Science students are hypotensive and calcium deficient. This should go smoothly.
You should be good to head out onto Forbes and find your way home now. As you leave, here’s list of things to keep in mind:
Ensure you have a clean urine sample on you at all times.
You should probably down a couple gallons of the beverage of your choice, just to clean out your system. I recommend hand sanitizer—totally clean, but with a little more kick and satisfaction than water. Also helps with hangovers.
You already silenced anyone present in Rashid when you woke up. But there are likely others out there who know too much. Do what you must.
Test yourself:
Ability to count ten of your fingers
Any and all STDs
Pregnancy
COVID-19
Polio
The names of the last three U.S. presidents
500 meter accuracy with a M24 SWS rifle
And anything else that might be at risk.
Waking up naked in Rashid is a totally normal, even integral, part of the college experience at CMU. Hell, I know people who graduated years ago and still wake up naked in Rashid sometimes. So don’t take it too seriously —you’ll be fine! And, if you’re worried that you haven’t yet woken up naked in Rashid, don’t worry! Everybody grows at their own pace, and your turn will come soon.