With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.
Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, and accurately on any and all campus happenings. We would never lie to you, which is why we are saddened to report that nothing has happened this week, at all. Please start doing more newsworthy things. Someone got arrested for stealing copper wires from Highmark and that's some trailer park stuff y'all. Seriously, at least steal something cool.
Besides encouraging criminality on this campus, we've got a whole lotta begging to do, so without further ado...
