Kill Phil
The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to the fact that, twice in the last two weeks, the temperature dropped 40 degrees from one day to the next. If this had happened once, I would have forgiven him. It wasn’t bad the first time. I spent my entire day going “wow, will ya believe the weather?” to people, who appreciated my observations and wittiness. But twice? I am not a hateful person, but Punxsutawney Phil has got to go.
I have found that Punxsutawney, PA is just under 80 miles from Pittsburgh.
Conveniently, at the time of writing this, I am just under 8 feet away from my 0.22 rimfire rifle. Ultimately, I believe in treating all living things with respect. That is why I will skin him, and make a hat out of his pelt. Although it is a shame to kill an animal, this strategic act will send a message to all future iterations, hopefully preventing more bloodshed.