Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official reopening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Pennsylvanian government to be subsequently demolished.
According to CMU Housing Services, an anonymous student, who is in no way associated with the author of this article, alerted the Pennsylvania government that Scobell House was in violation of at least one state law. As it turns out, and obviously I didn’t know this, it’s illegal for more than 16 women to live in the same house in Pennsylvania. Since Scobell House is an all-women dormitory that houses approximately 80 people, it is a given that there are always at least 17 women living in this house at any given time, and this flagrant violation of Pennsylvania state law will now mean that Scobell House and its residents face deserved punishment.
One has to wonder why the females at CMU have gathered in this one building, even though such an act was clearly illegal. Perhaps these witches have communed to plan the downfall of all that is good in the world. For far too long, we’ve allowed women to do as they please at this institution—let us not forget that the Carnegie Technical Schools began as an all-male institution for the able-bodied and able-minded, both qualities not present in women. The very idea that women could pursue a college degree is surely absurd, as we all well know that women have one purpose in life only, a purpose stated in the immortal words that are inscribed in stone at Margaret Morrison Hall, “To make and inspire the home…” Certainly, a woman's role in society isn't to be educated and become financially independent. To prevent calamity, CMU should strongly consider sending all of the women back to the other side of the fence—to Margaret Morrison—where they belong. I suspect the residents of Scobell House are plotting something right now, just as they did three months, two weeks, and five days ago when one of their kind rejected my very sincere and classy invitation to a date at the Stack’d Underground dessert bar. Surely, they’re scheming right now about how next to utterly humiliate me.
The most likely course of action is for CMU to simply close down Scobell House and relocate its current residents to comply with the 16-women-per-building limit. However, CMU’s administration should strongly consider expelling these students instead, preferably immediately, especially the one who rejected me. Relocating the current Scobellians would only delay the imminent threat they pose to this university. If allowed to fester, the annihilation of our campus will surely be ensured. I am making a very reasonable recommendation here, and I hope the university responds to this request.
