How to 'Home Alone' your dorm
Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.
For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally torturing and mutilating two unsuspecting anti-plumbers who tried to enter his home. Taking inspiration from the traps in that classic you too can keep your roommate out from entering your dorm(or at least from entering your dorm again).
The first trap is a classic: the incinerating door handle. If your dorm is anything like mine, a metal door handle needs to be turned to open the door. The average college student is estimated to own at least two blow torches for crème brûlée, so heating one to cause a second-degree burn should be a cinch.
If that didn’t deter your roommate and they successfully entered your room, the next item would typically be the tacks or toy cars. However, your roommate would likely have shoes on. Thus, I recommend having a glue trap right at the entrance to remove the shoes. After that, a few rusty nails sticking up would be very cost-effective.
Let’s suppose all that still hasn’t kept your surprisingly determined roommate out, trust me, I get it. Luckily there is one last trap I can draw inspiration from, the Tommy gun trap. However, if your roommate has made it this far it’s clear that either they’re a masochist or are just really determined to stop you from studying. Now, according to a quick Google search I did when 18 in Pennsylvania one can legally own a semi-automatic rifle. In addition, for the sake of plausible deniability, I have not bothered to look at the CMU housing rules. All I’ll say is that this has proven to be the most effective method of keeping my roommate out.
Of course, these are only a few of the limitless ideas you can come up with. From personal experience, chlorine gas, electric shocks, and cyanide shampoos are all also effective approaches. Just remember, when an A is on the line, sometimes you have to put on your best slasher smile.