Field Guide To Sabotage
So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left in the dust. And now you hear a voice from deep inside your psyche, calling you to take action, to commit sabotage?
Luckily, here at ReadMe, we have no conscience and are proud to bring you this guide to sabotaging your least favorite booth or buggy org this spring!
Tip 1: Pour All Their Paint on the Fence
Have you noticed a booth’s plywood is looking especially good this year? This tip may be for you! Simply sneak into their student workshop (don’t forget to bring a buddy so that you never work alone). Once there, dig through the piles of random junk to locate their best paint. Then, simply wait until midnight before dumping it all over the Fence. Maybe smear a little message on there for them while you’re at it.
Tip 2: Extend All Their Wall Frames
Did the paint trick not work? Well, we have another booth-themed tip for you! Go back to the student workshop (with your buddy of course) and gather all the loose wood you can find. Now, use it to tack on a few extra inches to their wall structures. Once on the Midway, they’ll be realizing their walls look barren a little too late.
Tip 3: Mount Deployable Wings to Their Buggy
Moving onto our best Buggy tips!
For this tip, ... enter... your least favorite buggy shop bringing along your best aerodynamic material. Mount this material and hook it up to a remote control. On race day, pull the lever to deploy the wings and watch as your enemies take flight bringing awe to the crowd but certainly not winning any medals. As an extra step: Marvel in your own engineering genius for creating the first flying buggy.
Tip 4: Give Their Pushers Hundreds of ReadMes
Here’s a second buggy trick for you to try!
Go around to all the major buildings on campus and collect the latest copy of ReadMe from the designated stands. On race day, stand ready with the hundreds of copies of ReadMe you’ve amassed. When the start signal is fired, throw all the ReadMes at your target pusher. For extra pizzazz, shout “Read this motherfuckaaaa” as you throw them.
Tip 5: Extend All Their Drivers’ Legs
So, you’re getting desperate. We have one final trick that may help you win this race day. Buggy relies on finding the shortest, smallest people to fit inside the vehicles. They would be hard pressed to find new racers if all their drivers suddenly grew a few inches, wouldn’t they? Sneak your least favorite drivers away for a fun night of bone sawing. Though they might be screaming in excitement about the new height, they’ll soon realize their buggy career is over.
We here at ReadMe hope you have found this guide informative and inspirational.
Now, get out there and win that 1st place prize!
Happy Carnival!