Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean
Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia covering the walls of the beige-bathed building.
Thanks to our 24/7 news crew permanently stationed (not stuck) in the out-of-order Wean elevator, ReadMe snagged an exclusive interview with Cher Redder, the surprisingly unbothered Civil Engineering major responsible for carrying out the directives of the administration.
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Good evening, Cher. Let’s get down to business. Tell us about the selection process for this position – how did it come about?
Well, I was walking home along Fifth after my Calc 1 final when a small black dog jumped out of a bush next to me, put a sack over my head, and hit me with a hammer until I passed out. Next thing I knew, I woke up inside Wean with snow piled up against the locked doors and all other students home for the holidays. Thankfully, they left me a note explaining the situation, which I had to eat as well.
Sounds rough.
Eh. My winter break was going to be research with a grad student about different types of cement, so this is debatably more entertaining. I just feel like the whole abduction bit could have been an email instead.
How goes the eating itself? Is it challenging?
You know, it's not so bad. I actually come from a really long line of paper eaters, so this was kind of meant to be. My great-uncle was the moth that the one chick found in the Harvard Mark II. They did take him away to bug jail for felony tax evasion after doing a background check, but hey – if there’s digested paper in your blood, consider checking it out.
Personally, I’d start to get bored after two or three floors. How do you stay focused on the task at hand?
I’d say balancing out the flavor of the posters is the name of the game. You start to …
pauses momentarily to take a large bite out of a smashed-up ball of paper
… you really start to learn which clubs taste like what, after a certain point. muffled from chewing Helpsh you balanshe out the ordering, like a wine tashting. swallows CMU Debate? Very sour, like a Warhead. Women’s self defense? Quite sweet, with a tangy aftertaste. The Tartan? Completely flavorless. Having a good ordering is really important. Like so!
At this point, our field reporter sat and watched Ms. Redder crumple up and eat three more posters in complete silence, save the occasional belch.
Great. Glad we could watch that. Do you foresee any challenges with eating all these posters?
Yeah, they’re short staffed on master's students this year, so I’ve got to clean up Gates as well. Some smart aleck keeps leaving up posters in these really hard to reach places all over the Helix – something about a course at 8pm, in a room that doesn’t exist? I don’t even know anymore. There’s one hanging above the La Prima that taunts me whenever I go to grab a tastefully grassy matcha. Guess I’m pulling out the ladder for that one!
Well Cher, we don’t want to hold you up any longer. Thank you for your hard work. Andrew Carnegie would have wanted this.
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Rumors have circulated that a more aggressive, permanent solution is expected for future years with each grade level electing one male, one female, and one nonbinary candidate to face off in a poster-eating competition to the death. Farnam “Snow” Jahanian has declined to comment.
Also, if you happen to know a way out of Wean’s basement, please share this information with the 24/7 news crew.