CMU Finals rife with cheating
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through the head of the person in the next row and view their exam paper. Knowing such a pursuit would be laughably fruitless, the proctor at first paid this strange behavior no mind. However, as the cheater continued to glance back down at their exam paper and back up at the head in front of them, the proctor began to suspect that some heinous activity was afoot.
Indeed, when confronted about their strange actions, the cheater confessed that the person sitting in front of them had had their buzz cut shaved in such a way that hairs one millimeter shorter than the rest spelled out a crucial equation on the test. The cheater revealed that they had scoped out the testing site beforehand, consulted the alphabetical class roster, and ran simulations to determine who was most likely to be sitting directly in front of them during the test.
When the student sitting in front of the cheater was contacted, they claimed, “I didn’t even have a buzz cut until the morning of the final. I’ve worn my hair long all my life, and yesterday, I just woke up like this. I thought my roommate had played a prank on me!” Security camera footage of the night before the final revealed a shadowy figure sneaking into the dorm through the newly-shorn student’s window.
Other students flaunting a buzz cut during the final were then contacted. Each of them denied any knowledge of the equations that were buzzed into the back of their heads, although one did remember having a dream in which they were being attacked by a swarm of noisy bees.
In light of recent events, all students who have another final in the next week must have their heads shaved bald.