In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's beloved president was sold in the first place, but it is now safely in storage in an undisclosed location on campus.
But just how much did it cost? Secret documents found stapled to the outside of Wean Hall identified the price as $5k per strand. "I just don't see why we agreed to pay the same price for every hair," one student's diary entry read. "Even the really short ones." A campaign by many in the KGB sought to instead use units of cumulative length, volume, or mass. One physics student suggested surface area. They were promptly expelled.
The hair is currently in a quart-size Ziploc bag in a secret location in Doherty Hall, while readMe staff discuss next steps. Some have suggested trading the hair back to Farnam in exchange for emeralds, to make a small profit. Others insist on making sweaters for the rabbits on campus. Farnam, who was observed Tuesday wearing a conspicuously tall top hat, promised to use the funds for the construction of a large hot tub beneath Hamerschlag Hall. It will feature a large bronze statue of Andrew Carnegie himself. Readme has submitted a bid to purchase the bronze representation of Mr. Carnegie's beard hair, which is currently pending, subject to approval for a high-interest predatory loan in Eshaan's name.
Industrious as always, readme's journalists are considering several proposals to profit off the hair, which is stored in the unlocked second closet from the right in the mall-side hallway on floor B of Doherty's basement, two shelves up. Pitched ideas include "compete with tortoise", "Farnam's locks sufficient to secure doors?", and "solve housing crisis".
