It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE
Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered ayeayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editorinchief has denied all claims of any animals being used to create and distribute the magazine. He says that, “I absolutely did not buy mysterious monkeys from some guy in a shady alley." PFETA has stated they will storm the university to find the lemurs and will use force if necessary. If anyone has seen a creepy looking lemur thing, PFETA is urging students to contact them immediately. However, we at readme strongly advise against this action for the safety of the university students.
TROUBLE IN PARADISE, ILLEGAL TRAFFICKING
Mysterious persons were discovered at the Pittsburgh International Airport transporting some mysterious animals. When the TSA discovered this, the mysterious persons apparently made a break for it. Apparently they got away and the airport is having difficulty identifying said people because of the fake nature of the passports and overly black clothing. The airport also claims that the mysterious animals were some kind of monkeys and probably illegal. The airport is now looking for any information regarding these monkey smugglers.
ILLEGAL AIRCRAFT CREATES EVEN MORE SUSPICION
A shoddily built aircraft made from cardboard and aluminum was found broken down in the Cut of CMU. It was painted with the logo of a certain satire magazine but the members have denied any association with the aircraft. This abomination of an aircraft had also been spotted in the skies of Africa and the Atlantic Ocean. Authorities are suspicious that the magazine not only built the aircraft but also flew it illegally. No word has come from the editorinchief as supposedly he has a bad case of sea and motion sickness as well as food poisoning and a lack of sleep. We here at ReadMe hope he gets better as it’s a real shame he’s sick and all.
