Evolution of Hetero Sapiens
Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing but Lana Del Rey covers. When Margaret Morrison Carnegie College opened in 1969, its female students rarely interacted with men, choosing instead to recite Greek poetry while tasting each other’s lipstick. For decades after its founding, CMU saw little in the way of male-female contact. No one was ready for this status quo to be shattered.
In 1973, Carnegie Mellon University officially became coeducational. Mere months after this change, biologists began to observe a new type of human: the hetero sapien. Some students, they noticed, had found it advantageous to socialize with the opposite sex. Young women were getting hit by cars daily until they started making men walk on the dangerous part of the sidewalk. Young men started changing their sheets more often at the behest of their female companions, leading to a decrease in bacterial infections. Commingling between the two sexes caused the student body to improve on an evolutionary level–men held doors open for women while women saved space on benches with a foreign maneuver called “crossing their legs.”
The rise of the hetero sapiens also had an unexpected but useful byproduct: the creation of children. It turned out that men and women could unite to produce smaller, more impressionable humans instead. These children, as they have since been called, prove helpful to many facets of CMU life. The SDC struggled to find a Buggy driver of optimal size until the six-year-old was invented. Soon after, ReadME adopted its official motto: “No pair of hands is too small to stuff a centerfold.” To thank the hetero sapiens for their contributions to Carnegie Mellon, ReadME will be throwing them an honorary parade in June.