In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of the biggest changes to this contract in Carnegie Mellon history. Read them (or don’t) here.” Below is a non-comprehensive list of the changes made:
Article 2, section 3 now states: “By attending Carnegie Mellon University, you agree to grant Carnegie Mellon University and all of its known affiliates full ownership of your image and likeness for commercial and recreational use. This ownership shall be extended to your first born grandson, if none is born between now and August 24, 2035 you may be subject to fines of at least 7% of Carnegie Mellon University’s net worth and jail time up to 50% of your tenure as a student.”
Article 4, section 5 now states: “All Carnegie Mellon students are responsible for all actions taken by the University and its donors, including but not limited to: creating robots to shoot innocent children in the Middle East, research done by the English Department, and the existence of David Tepper.”
Article 5, section 21 now states: “By paying tuition or receiving financial aid from Carnegie Mellon University, you acknowledge that you will never again have free time. Instead, all of your time will be devoted to your classes, your professors, your TAs, and this university, because your heart is in the work.”
Article 7̴̢̞̘̐̒̚, section 6̵̢̫͔͒̈́͆̾͐̀͆͆͜͝͠6̴̢̜̥̩̰̭̽͑͗͆̀̎͑̎̇ͅͅ6̷̹̋́̆̑ states: “In the event of an altercation with Satan, you agree to forfeit ownership of your undying soul for the usage of bargaining and other forms of commerce. Failure to do so will result in a meeting with a disciplinary board and potential expulsion.”
Article 8, section 1 states: “The contents of this article are false.”
Article 9, section 7 now states: “By attending Carnegie Mellon University, you agree to accept the African-American man who is part of the Walking to the Sky statue, commonly known as Daddy Thicc, as your lord and savior, and agree to bow down to him any time he enters your line of sight.”
While these additions make up just a small portion of the contract, they are expected to cause absolutely no change to campus life, despite their seemingly dire nature. This is because no student, including the one writing this article, read the contract in its entirety, meaning that these provisions are unenforceable, if they are even real.
