CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, BAE Systems. Ten rounds of interviews, some of them. So I just got fed up and wondered, well, what can I do to give myself that competitive edge, you know? Beat out the applications with really high GPAs or good jawlines. And it just came to me.”
He then collapsed from exhaustion, so we were unable to get any more answers. But it’s true that time serving can drastically increase hireability, say sources in top companies’ recruitment.
“Military service is a great way to tell companies you have a lot of those skills that we’re really looking for,” says hiring manager Millie Terry, who wishes to keep her company anonymous. “People skills, patriotism, firsthand experience of the horrors of war and understanding of the enemies’ weaknesses, good jawlines, creative thinking.”
It’s unknown how the word got out on the CMU campus, but almost 80 percent of the student body has attempted to enlist already, with over 30% of that number being deemed physically able, and students who fail to sign up are finding themselves ostracized, their hearts labeled not in the work. The fervor has spread from the student body to the rest of the campus, too. Scotty’s Market surprised everyone by instituting a veteran discount this Monday, explaining that they wanted to support our brave kids out at sea through 10% off a variety of goods and meals, only at Scotty’s Market, located at 5000 Forbes Avenue, Pittsburgh PA 15213. The Exchange added a new “War Sandwich” to their menu, filled with ketchup and grotesque chunks of charred meat. The CPDC added the US Military to Handshake, and the SASC is offering supplemental instruction for boot camp.
It remains to be seen how the craze for military recruitment will change CMU’s long term culture or its US News ranking, but one thing is certain: The job will be worse than the service. Enjoy it while it lasts.