Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"
On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters will be subject to "Finals" recapping the sum of their human experience. The content of the Finals was initially unclear, but Gina Casalegno, Vice President of Student Life and Student Death, was quick to provide a syllabus for a 0-unit course, "Mortality" (with codes including 00-100 for first-years and 00-800 for graduate students), which all CMU students will be enrolled in. Specific questions likely to be asked include "Are you proud of who you became?" and "Did fear and regret shape your perception of what you could accomplish?" Catching students in their final moments to take a lengthy exam may prove difficult, however. This morning, large nets were unfurled beneath bridges near campus to roll students into a testing facility, which will return them to their original trajectory once grades are posted. Cars on campus have been limited to 5 miles per hour, and large "man catcher" buckets have been installed on their grilles to catch students who otherwise would have been killed, such that they may turn in their Final before being battered to death in a controlled environment similar to Forbes Avenue. CMU's goals are unclear, but our investigative journalists were able to conclude through cat burglary that an institutional objective for the 2025 calendar year is to "instill an awareness of mortality and the finality of death into our students, staff, and faculty."