Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics
In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.
“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on the usage of performance-enhancing drugs.” Coventry stated during the press conference, “In recent years, this battle has become prohibitively challenging. After careful consideration, the committee has decided to pivot its approach entirely. We believe this is the right move to reward researchers who have been quietly making athletes faster, stronger, and higher.”
The challenge format issued by IOC today is refreshingly straightforward: Each nation will develop a performance-enhancing compound for an athlete participating in a series of unconventional trials, including a 300km ultra-marathon, 72-hour sleep deprivation, and a 24-hour binge drinking challenge.
Inside a chemistry lab on Carnegie Mellon University's campus, the newly assembled U.S. national team has been working around the clock. Team leader Professor Bertie Wooster spoke candidly about his relief that his life's work is finally receiving official recognition.
“You can’t imagine how difficult my life has been before now.” Said Wooster, “For years, when I was staying late in the lab, I had to tell my family I was out at a strip club with friends – The work had to remain absolutely secret. My wife divorced me just before the Tokyo Olympics. She took the house and my three kids, who also despise me to the guts. But nothing, not even my marriage and my relationship with my kids can make me regret bringing glory to this beautiful country.”
Wooster's passion for sports pharmacology began during his freshman year of college. "I made myself this cocktail—Red Bull, anti-depressant pills, lime juice, espresso shots, ice cream, and vodka—and just chugged the whole thing," he recalled, "And at that exact moment I thought, 'Oh shit, this is amazing.' I stayed awake for the next 72 hours, just grinding away at my coursework."
He then added, "I got a zero on everything I turned in. And when I finally came to, there was a stop sign in my dorm room—no idea how it got there. But it was still a wonderful experience, you know? A revelation."
That experience led to a lifelong obsession. "I started experimenting with more complex combinations after that," Wooster continued. "Eventually, I began sneaking compounds from my lab when no one was watching, mixing those in too. The possibilities were endless."
Wooster’s talents were later noticed by the national sports committee when he was arrested for DUI; the evidence collected by the police department suggested that Wooster had been behind the wheel, without sleep, for 5 consecutive days. "I was terrified. I thought I was going to prison for sure," Wooster recalled. "But then these men in black suits walked into my interrogation room and told me they'd posted my bail. Apparently they’d gotten word from the police chief of my ‘contraband’ and were truly impressed. That's the day I started making performance-enhancing drugs for the national team."
We attempted to interview the athlete selected to represent the United States, but he was already under the heavy influence of the experimental compound and unable to communicate coherently. "Honestly, we don't know who he is or where he's from," admitted Luke Johnson, one of the research team members. "We found him on the street in Philadelphia, already pretty doped up. We asked if he'd be open to trying some new products, and he agreed immediately. Didn't even ask what they were."
“We just call him Mr. Dope, and he's been amazing," Luke said. "Never scared, never asks questions—just takes whatever we give him. Actually seems to be having a great time with the whole thing."
When we asked Luke about his own motivation for joining the research team, he responded that Wooster pays the highest stipend among all the PIs in his field, and students in his lab often make additional income by selling their research on the streets.
As we departed the lab, the team was administering a newly calibrated dose to Mr. Dope, whose enthusiastic howling could be heard from the parking lot. By all accounts, Team USA is in peak form and ready to compete for pharmaceutical glory on the world stage.