Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for a new dog-watching ring. Very soon you will be able to enjoy some good old fashioned Scotty-Dog kerfuffles without the downsides of committing a class three felony.
But, you may ask, what exactly is dog-watching and how does it differ from dogfighting? Well, dogfighting is legally classified as engaging in one or more of the following: allows dogs to fight for amusement or gain, owns or acquires a dog for fighting, bets or hosts bets on the outcome of dogs fighting, or permits a place under your control in which dogs are fighting.
Now dog-watching differs from this by firstly and most importantly forbidding the amusement of all present. It is clearly dictated that dog fights require amusement by those organizing or spectating so to avoid engaging in illegal dogfighting, there will be several large signs warning patrons to forgo amusement during the dog-watching process. If anyone is amused it is our responsibility to report it as you would be engaging in illegal activity and possibly implicate ReadMe staff as your accomplices.
ReadMe will also not be profiting from these activities in any manner as any profits would be classified as gain and would make the activity illegal. Since it is illegal to acquire a dog for fighting, dog-watching will be hosted in Schenley Park where we will have access to several stray dogs that we can ask politely to fight for our non-amusement.
Although we can’t host bets on the outcomes of fights, there will be unamusing snacks offered. Due to severe economic stress, the price of these snacks will likely fluctuate at the end of each fight. We will therefore compensate everyone for any price differences caused by these fluctuations. All snack profits will be dumped into the Monongahela to avoid gain. Lastly, Schenley is not owned by ReadMe so all dog-watching activities avoid violating any of the Pennsylvania dogfighting laws.
Thanks to ReadMe, you can now engage in legal dog-watching every Saturday from 6 to 8PM ET. Don’t miss your chance to give it a try! After all, It’s only a matter of time until ReadMe reverts my budget changes.
