Crystals for home improvement
2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie Mellon University, by thousands of anxious, imbalanced, and incredibly unhinged students. You may be wondering where to put your crystals. Consider hanging them in your fridge, giving your roommates a fun little surprise when they go looking for the glowing petri dishes of mold colonies they stashed in there last night. Put them near the sink, to remind you that while you may have to get up at the crack of dawn for your 8:00 am, you still have shiny things. Wear them as a necklace, bracelet, or ring, so people can ask about them and you can tell them about the weird crystal thing you’ve gotten into. While you’re at it, tell them how Mercury is in the second house, and Saturn is in retrograde, and how this means they should drop out of school to sell essential oils with you. Scatter them throughout your drawers so when it comes time to clean out your dorm, you can remember that crystal phase you went through in January. Throw them wherever you like, really, because when will you have time to clean? Put them in the microwave, just to see what happens. It’s for science. Of course, you can’t put your crystals anywhere if you don't have them. One strategy is to go outside and take shiny rock because pretty. You can also buy your crystals at the most reputable crystal peddler in all of the internet (Expensive Crystals to Take Your Money). If you do, make sure to check for these fan favorites. Wakeup-alite- Redbull in stone form. Tired of using up all your flex dollars on caffeinated drinks, only to pass out at 11:00 pm? Use this stone to keep you awake and pumping out essays 24/7. Despite what everyone tells you, you don’t actually need sleep to function. Now you can take the 103 units you wanted. Toiletpaperaline: Magically rearranges the toilet paper. Everyone knows the only right way to put the toilet paper on is over, not under. This is a good crystal to kindly offer your roommate. CanIhavethoseoreos-alite: Makes others share their snacks with you. However, when used in abundance, greedy crystal hoarders have been gravely injured by fruit, hardtack, and other dense snacks flying at their faces. Stay safe out there. Noeyecontact-anite: Prevents you from accidentally making eye contact with people tabling on the cut. Sometimes you don’t want to be roped into the latest fundraiser or activity, or perhaps you don’t want to wake up at 4:00 am to be stuffed into a buggy and accelerated to high speeds. Use this gemstone to steal a quick glance at the table without being ensnared. Getthehelloutofhere-inite: Removes people from the library table or classroom you wanted to use. You walked all the way there, you should be able to use it. Those hooligans can beat it. Heydontrunmeover-ilite: Stops cars from running you over when you jaywalk across Forbes Avenue. Now that those four-wheeled jokemobiles are stalled, you can jaywalk, moonwalk, or catwalk across the road. Thesearemyshiniesforme-anine: Of course, the biggest danger to your crystals is the magpies infesting our beloved campus. Use this gem to keep your shiny objects safe from these disgusting creatures.