Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math
Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal math during Structure of Materials. Mr. Amstutz, who lives in Fairfax 274 and leaves his door unlocked between 4 and 10 PM, wishes to remain anonymous, and so henceforth will be referred to as “Greg.”
Though Greg contacted us by mistake, after a little interrogation he confessed his fears of being forced to do crystal math. CMUPD’s top criminologist, a delightful guy with an English accent, made it very clear that, “Crystal math is a killer.” Greg said he had done crystal math before but was aspiring to quit as soon as the semester was done.
While CMUPD is generally against drug rehabilitation, this provided them with the opportunity to bust more perps, which is universally regarded as a badass move. Police cars were hauled up the Wean freight elevators to block the main doors and a sniper was positioned on the Hammerschlag roof to catch any dirty math-heads leaving out of the side exit. Armed police disguised as students came in from a hole drilled through 4 feet of certified Wean concrete to provide a discrete entrance. Upon entering, students found partaking in crystal math were quickly apprehended by canisters of tear gas. Those addicts never saw it coming.
One shackled miscreant reportedly cried out, “I was only following what the paper told me to do!” We have reason to suspect that this “paper” our druggie friend was referring to is a code word for LSD used in these underground drug rings. Naturally, CMUPD took appropriate action and emptied a round of gunfire into the no good drug-smuggling student. “We haven’t had this much excitement since the last steam tunnel bust!” one officer reports. “I’m just so glad we got to put this tuition increase to use,” said another officer, who proceeded to fire a semi-automatic rifle into the lecture hall ceiling. God bless our country, amen.