Crime Report Report
Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10
Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need to dox and shame their parents. Second, how on Earth does somebody break in and get caught? Everybody knows the best way to sneak into the lifeless husk known as the Mellon Institute is via the secret elevator inside Pillar #7. It’s baffling to think anyone would take the entrance on Bellefield for any reason whatsoever, so publishing this rookie mistake is simply lazy reporting.
Hit-and-run with injuries: 5.5/10
Okay, we might be getting somewhere with this! I love the detail about their injuries to their lower half and the swift response by paramedics. Unfortunately, that is all the praise I will dish out. For starters, they should’ve posted a blurry picture of the car’s license plate to 4chan so we can get a doxxing campaign started on the culprit as soon as possible. And also, nowhere near as gory or graphic as a so-called “Crime Report” should imply. Is vivid, lurid prose instead of vanilla commentary too much to ask for?
Theft: 2/10
Awful awful awful horse poo. As such a low-level crime, it deservedly only got one sentence about it. And of course, in that one sentence, there was no information we could use to dox anybody, not even the faculty member whose “Coach purse” got stolen. But moreover, this continues to illuminate the ineptitude of their crime reporters. I know for a fact that, on the same day, two comrades and I looted several duffel bags worth of NVIDIA chips from the GHC cluster machines, and they haven’t gotten even a sniff of our theft/money laundering. They should have immediately noticed that the 15210 programming assignments were taking so much longer to run than normal, yet they haven’t. For the so called “primary news publication of CMU” and the “primary defense force of the university”, this is low-key embarrassing. We are trying to commit all the radical crimes we can, yet they consistently fail to publish our groundbreaking achievements.
Overall: 2.16/10
Too few crimes, too few descriptions, too little action, and too little excitement. So, in an effort to create more excitement on these future crime reports, here are two addresses of a Tartan’s editor-in- chief ’s grandmother and [redacted CS professor name]’s summer retreat:
69420 Old Cadiz Road, Bridgeport, OH, 43912
67670 Kirkwood Heights Road,
Bridgeport, OH, 43912
It’s now our duty to dox and leak their Social Security numbers. Join us, and maybe the next CMU Crime Report will finally be worth reading for more than six seconds.