Best clubs for returning freshmen
For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of the best clubs CMU has to offer.
Stever Fight Club
The bloodlust of CMU students truly cannot be contained, and Stever Fight Club is a great outlet for the senseless violence we all know and love. Ever wanted to taste the unique iron flavor of blood and spit mixing on asphalt after a long day of failing your midterms? Head over to the parking lot behind Stever at 3:30 AM and the README team will show you what you’ve been missing.
CMU Virgins Club
Have you never been able to bag the girl of your dreams? Don’t fear! Neither have we! README is a proud sponsor of the CMU Virgins Club. Virgin Club has everything students need to help them become one of the 5% of people on campus who fuck. From Incel Therapy to First Date Trivia, Virgin Club is full of activities to help students meet other sexless losers like themselves.
Baby Punching Club
Those freeloaders have had it too easy for too long. Baby Punching Club is a volunteer organization dedicated to cleaning up the streets of Pittsburgh one punch at a time. Though freshmen may initially be intimidated by the grizzled stare of a two-month-old hardened criminal, upperclassmen will show them the ropes until they’re able to take on even the toughest infants like the best of us. Let’s show those fuckers who’s boss around here.
Liberal Brainwashing Club
“But Readme,” you may be asking, “when do I get to finally join the radical higher education woke hivemind?” Rest assured dear readers, all that and more can be found in CMU’s own Liberal Brainwashing Club. Guaranteed to start fights with your FOX News-loving grandparents over Thanksgiving, here you can learn all about those pesky historical nuances Republicans hate so damn much. Hone your debate skills with the Leftist Gauntlet, a weeklong event that will teach new members all the ins and outs of political infighting and moral grandstanding. And remember, just because someone agrees with you doesn’t mean they can’t be absolutely insufferable about it.
README
README opens its arms to any failed Tartan journalists, pathological liars, government shills, and unemployed mooches. Though it may seem difficult to write with the worst of the worst, the high turnover rate means that there’s always a spot for fresh meat. Also, Eshaan said that if I recruited five new writers with this article he wouldn’t execute me via firing squad, so please sign up!