Christmas tips for children of divorce
Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps to maximize your holiday experience:
Wait for your parents to start dating again. This process may take some years, but make sure to encourage them every step of the way. Say things like “Of course I don’t have a problem with you dating a woman twenty years younger than you!” If your parents are struggling to get back into the dating game, consider making them a Hinge profile to attract potential partners you will be able to get along with.
Build a good relationship with your parents’ respective partners. Bond with them by making fun of the parts of your parents they find annoying. Find topics your parents aren’t interested in but their partners are, and read up on them to endear yourself to your parent’s partner without your parent’s interference. Break up your parents and their respective partners. Tell your father’s girlfriend she deserves better than a cynical, self-centered man-child. Ruin your mother’s sex life by starting the coffee grinder outside her room every time you hear moaning.
Profit. Now you have a total of four parental figures, each of whom feels sorry for causing so much upheaval in your home life. Reassure each of them that you want to spend time with them during the holidays. On each parental figure’s Christmas, regift them your least favorite present from the previous Christmas. Delight in the quadrupled number of gifts you receive (because, of course, none of them will coordinate with each other to buy gifts for you). If you’re lucky, there should be enough enmity between some of them that you can get at least one extra birthday. Repeat.
Disclaimer: This strategy may also result in quadrupled travel time, quadrupled guilt tripping, and/or quadrupled scheduling conflicts.