Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation
Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an air cannon. Formations dressed in solid tartan plaid rush the stage as a second attack group shatters the windows above to your right. Shots are fired, Honk dies in a cloud of stuffing. Iliano is rushed away, leaving a first-time TA in charge of the lecture, which continues on at its original pace.
This may sound impossible, but it's what transpired this morning as documented by the 122 TA rapid response forces. As the dust settled, it was clear only one man could have orchestrated this: President Farnam Jahanian of CMU.
Jahanian has not yet provided comment, but tensions between 122 and the University have always been high, spurred on by a valuable resource: print budget. It's no secret that SCS has one of the highest print budgets on campus, second only to CMU itself. Pundits have noted that the Jahanian administration has focused its attacks on SCS recently, but has tactfully avoided linking its rhetoric with contested resources, instead focusing on culture war and admissions issues. While the underlying motive was always obvious, few can say they anticipated such a crude escalation.
The coming days are unclear. President Jahanian is pushing to install his own professor in Iliano's place, which the 122 course staff states will be seen as a declaration of war. The faculty senate hasn't authorized the use of military force by a CMU President since the construction of Wean Hall (formerly Science Hall) in the 1960s; if Jahanian presses onward without this approval, calls for his resignation may intensify. Intense negotiation is likely ongoing, but the outcome remains to be seen.
Coming at you from Warner Hall, this is Allyn from readme, signing off.