Andrew Carnegie had the right idea
People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.
I considered wearing women's underwear instead, because shopping for women's underwear makes me feel very straight thoughts and I enjoy it a lot. But then if the boys saw me wearing soft, silky lace undergarments, they would think I'm gay, which is a problem, because the boys are very homophobic.
My solution up until now, if I can call it a solution, was to ignore the problem and keep wearing the same underwear from before. But I first got it when I was 8, and it is rather small, and my doctor says I am now infertile because my testicles have been unable to thermally regulate. This is a problem, because not having children is something gay men do, and my wife will be very homophobic.
As a last ditch attempt, I tried not wearing underwear, even if it means betraying my moral principles. But then people can see the outline of my dick more easily, including men, which makes me gay for being endowed with the object of another man's desire, which is a problem, because my dick is very homophobic.
Andrew Carnegie and the Scottish people have had the right solution all along: kilts. Kilts allow you to not wear underwear, without your outlines being visible to men. I am sincerely grateful that I had the opportunity to go to Carnegie Mellon University, so that I could see the light. I am particularly grateful for the glass floor of Posner 3, since when I one day looked up from Posner 1, I knew instantly that my conundrum had an ideal solution.