Tags: Real News

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Nov. 6, 2024, 4 a.m.
By: Pennsylvania Jones | Vol 2, Issue 2

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided it was important to finally chart it. The journey was fraught with danger, with the narrow tunnels below the building constantly putting lives at risk. Upon reaching Carnegie's tomb, a grad student asked if they'd be paid overtime for the expedition, only to find that the entire area had been jury-rigged to collapse if anyone mentioned worker's rights.

Several graduate students lost their lives in the ensuing panic, a cost that Carnegie Mellon deemed "acceptable" and "at least they don't have to pay their salary anymore."