After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations like that, I’ve decided to not do a Notes app apology or make a video apology or something–don’t have the energy for that. Instead, I’m outsourcing this week’s advice column to the world’s most renowned scientist, Dr. Et. Al!
AUNTIE README: Hello, it’s a pleasure to have you with us, Dr. Et. Al! We at ReadMe-
DR. ET. AL: Etward, actually.
AUNTIE README: What.
DR. ET. AL: Etward Alabama in less formal settings, please. Et. Al is so dry and stuffy, and I really only use it to gain respect in academic publications.
AUNTIE README: Sure, then. Etward-
DR. ET. AL: Doctor Etward, please. I worked hard for my PhD in every conceivable field.
AUNTIE README: O….kay then! Dr. Alabama, I’m sure ReadMe wants to know more about the scientist behind such respected studies as “The psychology of esports players’ ELO Hell: Motivated bias in League of Legends and its impact on players’ overestimation of skill” and “Will Any Crap We Put into Graphene Increase Its Electrocatalytic Effect?” Let’s start by getting to know you a little better. You’re based at CMU, do you have a favorite place you like to go to work?
DR. ET. AL: On nice days, I’ll jot down a few of my ideas sitting underneath Walking to the Sky. That statue reminds me that anything is possible, given hard work [inaudible] and the overworked PhD students and undergraduates I roped into my lab.
AUNTIE README: Could you repeat the last bit? I didn’t quite catch that.
DR. ET. AL: Don’t worry about it.
AUNTIE README: Okay, next question! You do lots of math! Got a favorite number?
DR. ET. AL: Hm. 46 is nice. It’s how many people I’ve gotten to stop disagreeing with me since I started publishing. Depending on when this gets published, it could jump to 47 or even 48–who knows what the future holds?
AUNTIE README: A number of great personal significance, then. That reminds me! Surely while making such a large swath of claims in the academic world, you face any number of people who disagree with your studies or have contradictory results. How do you politely respond to them?
DR. ET. AL: Knives are pretty great. You can use them to get up close and personal when disagreeing with people, and you don’t even have to break eye contact! Can’t stand the sort of passive-aggressive bickering-through-abstracts-and-paper-titles that goes on in modern academics. If knives don’t work well enough, I go for inflicting blunt-force trauma.
DR. ET. AL: Besides, who knows if the poor fools aren’t being pressured by research universities to falsify data, anyways? Maybe they tactically decide to criticize me because they know my results–unlike their bodies….of work! Are bulletproof, and it’s better to spread misinformation that goes nowhere than misinformation that goes somewhere. Sometimes when you’re faced with publish or perish, you just gotta perish, you know? No shame in that! Academia isn’t for everyone, and a good colleague is always willing to push people to recognize where their true strengths lie. And sometimes their true strengths lie six feet under.
AUNTIE README: What an…incisive…metaphor! Truly, not everyone can stand the toxic culture in academia, and sometimes you’ve got to be honest with people about that, you know? Push them towards being happy in industry, able to sleep like the dead for eight good hours, instead of struggling through yet another round of peer review. It’s needed sometimes, even if the blunt force of your statements feel like being stabbed. This is why I admire you so much, Dr. Etward–clearly, you possess a lot of grace and tact.
AUNTIE README: That brings me to my next question, actually. You’ve had the most papers retracted out of any scientist in history. As a discredited advice columnist, I have to ask–how do you take being wrong so many times with such grace?
[The interview was then abruptly and unexpectedly terminated.]
