Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics
With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.
In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break with the weight of multiple people or strenuous physical activity, under the guise of their “sustainability”. One athlete, Danish figure skater Ahn Derink, was dreading their return.
“Why put so many hot, young, muscular athletes in the same place if you don’t want them to fuck?” asks Derink, when interviewed by a CMU reporter. “Is it really an Olympic games without some ‘heated rivalry?”
But upon arriving in CMU for the first time, the Olympic Committee seemed to have a drastic change of heart. Kirsty Coventry, the current IOC president, was seen sniffing the air and grimacing.
“Cancel the cardboard beds,” Coventry told her secretary. “We won’t need them here.”
When asked to elaborate, Coventry gave an explanation about CMU’s excellent waste management policies and how normal beds will surely be disposed of properly with our innovative three trashcan solution. But many of the athletes seem to have an entirely different explanation.
“I got here, and suddenly, I felt the inexplicable urge to pull out my old homework and do it over and over again,” Derink says. “I wanted to take a shower after the plane flight, but suddenly I preferred sitting in my own filth.”
And as for sex? Derink reports: “I have never been more repulsed by the idea of intimacy in my entire life.”
Plenty of other athletes are reporting similar symptoms. Many of them express unwillingness to make friends or initiate physical contact. Sex or romance appears out of the question, and some believe that the air is turning them into “eternal virgins”.
Hopeful CMU students claim that, based on this evidence, their chronic lack of sex lives can be attributed to the environment. But Derink questions this.
“I think the students are the ones stinking up the place,” she argues. “Take one whiff of a 7th-year CMU senior and suddenly, all you want to do is invest in crypto.”