Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels
Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were intrigued to discover what appeared to be a small whiteboard containing an answer to a programming assignment.
After closer inspection, the homework problems were determined to be from the 15-122 class, Principles of Imperative Computation. Fearing the horrific consequences of what was to come, CMUPD immediately declared a state of emergency, closing off the entirety of Margaret Morrison Hall and assembling a wall of officers around the building until the CMU Dean of Student Affairs was able to arrive on the scene and call for an emergency session of the Faculty Senate. Following the review of the sacrilegious whiteboard, which was promptly determined to be an egregious Academic Integrity Violation, the CMU Student Affairs Department identified the smudged-out name on the whiteboard to be that of Jeremy P. Laceholder, a former student of CMU’s School of Computer Science.
“It’s just a tragedy,” lamented CMU President Farnam Jahanian, wiping the tears off of his famously luscious locks of golden hair. “Here at CMU, we value the reputation of our degrees, and to find that one of our graduates has left an answer to a merge sort problem right underneath a student dormitory for everyone to see fills me with an incredible amount of shame,” he continued with a grim expression on his face. “The CMU community should rest assured that we will take care of this business in at least O(log n) time.”
Unfortunately for the CMU Academic Violation Board, Laceholder had sadly passed away in 2015 due to an unexplained respiratory illness, and was therefore unable to be held on trial. However, this didn’t stop the Board from choosing to revoke his degree, incinerating the guilty whiteboard, scratching his name out from the school records, and ultimately deciding to ban any remaining imitation of his physical likeness from entering CMU premises. “All’s well that ends well,” Jahanian remarked. “I’m glad that we could settle this matter reasonably and avoid having to take any drastic measures against the academic offender”, he said with a chuckle, before he was hurriedly escorted out of the building while discreetly whispering into his cell phone, “Iliano? Iliano, grab the shovels.”
CMUPD officials were unfortunately unavailable for further comment due to an unexplained spread of respiratory illnesses among the officers.