Whis L. Blower
confidential
Staffwriter
professional journalist, ✒️
Bio
Voted 5x "World's Most Reliable News Writer", Whis L. Blower has never shies away from a challenge if it means reporting the most unbiased and hard-hitting truths. Enemy #1 of corporations, those in power, and themselves on an empty stomach.
Fun fact
Partners in reporting with Stella Cedar
Latest
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM administrators have revealed that they plan to use cutting-edge experimental portal technology to open a gateway into the Backrooms, where they will eventually move the practice rooms. “After careful deliberation, we have decided that the practice rooms were actually not difficult enough to find,” wrote one administrator, “so in upholding …
Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings
PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position on the swings akin to that of a capsized frog. The student then used the tangential inertia of their torso as they swung to push their mouth over their genitals, a move described by onlookers as “kinky” and "actually kinda impressive.”
As the student continued to autofellate, they had …
Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa Whis, what's up with the hostility right out of the gate? Aren't you supposed to be an unbiased arbiter of the truth?" to which I would say, yes, but I am also craving mediocre fried chicken. So I am jealous.
Further details have revealed that the Senate, through a …
Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer
EVERETT, WA
After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers used on Boeing’s assembly lines. Keeneyed observers have been quick to note that the new printers are the exact same model as the previous ones, just more expensive now that they’ve gone off sale. “Money really can solve problems,” said one Boeing research executive, gesturing to images of the new …