Whis L. Blower
Staffwriter
professional journalist, ✒️
Bio
Voted 5x "World's Most Reliable News Writer", Whis L. Blower has never shies away from a challenge if it means reporting the most unbiased and hard-hitting truths. Enemy #1 of corporations, those in power, and themselves on an empty stomach.
Fun Fact
Partners in reporting with Stella Cedar
Previous Work
Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings
PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position on the swings akin to that of a capsized frog. The student then used the tangential inertia of their torso as they swung to push their mouth over their genitals, a move described by onlookers as “kinky” and "actually kinda impressive.”
As the student continued to autofellate, they had their Icarus moment, swinging too high and subsequently falling off the swings. They fell on their head, forcefully shoving their mouth so far down their own phallus that they then proceeded to asphyxiate and, minutes later, die. We asked the student’s roommate, who has chosen to remain anonymous, what they think of the whole ordeal. “It’s honestly kinda tuff, going out like that,” the roommate said, “I couldn’t think of a better way to die than to do so while getting some sloppy toppy.”
Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa Whis, what's up with the hostility right out of the gate? Aren't you supposed to be an unbiased arbiter of the truth?" to which I would say, yes, but I am also craving mediocre fried chicken. So I am jealous.
Further details have revealed that the Senate, through a line item known as "Tummy Expenses," has spent over $12,000 on Wingstop catering. (One must imagine the delivery fees!) In a breakdown of catering order logs obtained by readMe, we have discovered that the most popular items include heaps of seasoned fries, extra ranch cups, and plain boneless wings. Yes, that's right. Plain. Boneless. Wings—a choice described by one passionate student as "so heretical, I had to attend confessional to rid myself of the sin of ever having known that information.” While readMe awaits a joint public statement from the Senate, my fellow investigative journalist, Stella, went into the field to gauge the reactions of those most affected.
(Stella Cedar)
Thanks Whis. While trying to navigate the protests that erupted in front of the CUC today, I ran into one fresh face of the Undergrad Senate; they confessed with head hung, "Listen folks, I had the munchies. I was only there for the food, frankly. I don't even know what the Undergrad Senate does." Polls indicate the back half of that statement is a common sentiment amongst the general student population. Following up, I asked the Senate member if they had any information on why the executive office had been renovated for the second time in 5 years. My query was unfortunately met with silence.
At the same moment, a student took to standing atop the Scotty pedestal in the CUC courtyard to rile up some gathering protestors with a scandalous new detail. "Whoever in that gaudy group of crooks that's responsible for pushing the chicken on-demand button also conveniently always misses the ‘tip your driver’ button! Curious!" she remarked. "One would imagine that if they wanted to avoid shelling out the extra cash to compensate whoever has to lug their poultry around, maybe they'd invest some of that $18,000 executive package in a club vehicle!" Cheers for the speaker and roars of anger erupted at the scene. At this time, I can't offer any further updates on the situation, Whis, but rest assured that I'll remain on site bringing you the breaking news if any new developments occur. Back to you.
(Whis L. Blower)
Well, this has been an event for the ages, folks. Yet, no matter who you align with, I think we can all agree on one thing– if you're gonna spend a small fortune on Wingstop, at least have them toss some sauce on your glorified nuggets.
Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer
EVERETT, WA
After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers used on Boeing’s assembly lines. Keeneyed observers have been quick to note that the new printers are the exact same model as the previous ones, just more expensive now that they’ve gone off sale. “Money really can solve problems,” said one Boeing research executive, gesturing to images of the new printers. “You ever hear that saying, ‘you get what you pay for?’ Well, we tossed a bit of green at the hoopla and it just went poof! Hahahaha!” When further questioned about what exactly in the production process changed, his seemingly jovial attitude disappeared and he replied, “Shut up.”
At Boeing’s official Q3 2025 conference later that day, CEO Kelly Ortberg took the floor to address the company’s reputational rebound. “It is with great pleasure that I announce our planes are now 15% less likely to fall out of the sky!” he joked, which was met with nervous chuckles. He continued, “Going forward, we’re looking to implement more of our new 3D printers into commercial jet production. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to fly in a plane made of PLA?” Immediately, a brave soul from the press pool jumped up to question Ortberg about the company’s history of cutting corners and if these new 3D printers were just a distraction from their shortcomings. “Cutting corners? Who is ‘Corners’? Are they okay?” he replied while getting ready to receive an additional $7.5 million in stock options. A fellow journalist leaned over to me and whispered, “Yikes, this guy has some seriously fucked up vibes,” which I unfortunately can not agree nor disagree with as an arbiter of the most unbiased truths here at readME. However, if I were to hypothetically say that I agree with their hypothetical statement, then that hypothetically wouldn’t be wrong. Hypothetically.