Tack Layshun

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction to the milkosphere.

Number 9: The True Burger Pepsi dispenser. The dispenser creates a cozy atmosphere with a satisfying amount of grime, improving both venue and flavor. To echo one Reyzl Limenesser, Pepsi is an excellent enhancement to standard milk: legendary Pilk, pre-squeezed milk mixed with hand-milked Pepsi, is a wonderful draft indeed.

Number 8: https://tinyurl.com/MysteryMilkObject

Number 7: A runny nose. Catch yourself a cold and give it a big, sloppy, nasal exhale, and you’ll get to enjoy fresh fluids of your own. It may not yield snot in bulk, but, for a quick DIY cheese-squeezing experience, this is all you need.

Number 6: The TechSpark 3D printers. They demand an involved setup, but a thick stream of polylactic acid pushing through a hot, high-precision nozzle provides for an impeccable lactation sensation. Drink it straight from the tap for a true body-heat feel, or save an elaborate model to snack on later. Remember: Plastic doesn’t curdle!

Number 5: Eggs. Eggnog is a true wonder of the holiday season, so why not bring it into snowy January? Squelch a fresh egg into glass – or why not, straight into your chasm of a mouth. Skill issues permitting, a delicious, viscous adventure awaits.

Number 4: SDC’s buggy, Lust. It’s really into it. The ambiguity of the relevant fluid is truly secondary to the almost-human emotional resonance you’ll feel with this vehicle. If you have an open-minded friend on the team, and you’re looking for an immersive, reciprocated milking affair, this is the curb to hit.

Number 3: A canvas tent in the rain. Those luscious bulges of collected water in between the rafters are just waiting for you to come by and squeeze. This is the premier one-to-one tactile lactic experience, and it’s a happy coincidence of meteorology that you get fresh water alongside it.

Number 2: The Doherty Creature. ██████████ ████ ███████. ████ █████ ███ ███ away. Take ███████ ██ ███ █████████ run. ██ ███████████████ ██ █████ ██. ██████, ████ ██ ██ alive. ████████. Godspeed.

Number 1:

You.

See you soon.