Bridget McMahon
Staffwriter
Decision Science, Human Computer Interaction, 2027
Bio
nothing has ever happened to me an I have never done anything (in a non suspicious way)
Fun Fact
i once punched a kid in the face in the backyard of a nuns house
Previous Work
NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths
Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.
It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.
“It was insane. I went in thinking it was gonna be the usual. No natural lighting, no furniture, and one of those heaters that sounds like the Bombing of Dresden,” Novak recalled, still visibly shaken. “But then…I saw them…”
Novak, who pays $2,700 a month for a 100-square-foot apartment on the Lower East Side, was stunned by the sheer audacity of the booths, which boasted colorful decorations, fun themes, and even hardwood floors.
“These kids don’t understand how good they have it. Some of these booths have stairs. Stairs! The last time I lived in an apartment with stairs was when that couple from Williamsburg went upstate and left their door unlocked. They left their son there, but turns out we were on the same dosage for Adderall. I miss that guy. He was the best roommate I ever had.”
When questioned by reporters on whether anything from the booths reminded him of New York, John had this to say:
“When I was standing in line inside one of the booths, I really felt at home. The wall of plastered college kids in front of me reminded me of my roommates: Mark, Jim, Motif, Felipe, Kurt, Vin'nyla, a stray dog, Eric Adams, and that prostitute who keeps stealing my stuff…Oh wait, that’s Eric, too.”
Sources confirm that Novak was spotted attempting to negotiate a year-long lease for the SDC Booth with freshman Jeremy Chen, a Business Administration student. When asked to comment, Chen remarked, “He was begging me to rent the place to him… it was kind of sad. He had a pain in his eyes that I had never seen before. It made me realize something. When I grow up, I want to be a landlord.”
Novak was last seen attempting to fit his couch in Undergraduate Senate’s “Lynchian” themed doghouse.
Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns
Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed onto the reindeer, Claus tweeted.
When pressed for a response, NORAD claimed they were, “spreading Christmas joy for every little girl and boy.” Claus claims that spreading this information is incredibly dangerous, and may lead to his assassination, especially now due to his recent exposal of political beliefs.
More interestingly, Norad has exposed that Claus’s total flight emissions for 2023 amount to 8,293 tonnes, which is over 1,100 times higher than the average person's entire annual emissions.
Flight tracking has also revealed that Santa routinely avoids poorer parts of major cities - such as Harlem in NYC - or entire cities themselves, as in the case of Detroit in 2022. Santa refused to comment on this information, routinely stating that the tracking itself is unconstitutional and harmful.
Santa will appear in court this Wednesday because of the case and has agreed to let the judge sit on his lap.